Jer Illuminated

When my morals exceeded my church's morals

2011-01-25T15:34:00.002-07:00

I was sitting on my bed this last Sunday, getting ready for the day, and I started contemplating morals I was taught growing up in the Mormon church versus the morals I hold now. I'm not sure why that thought struck me then, when I rarely think about Mormonism much on a day to day basis. It could have been the fleeting thought that I enjoy my Sundays much more than I used to, and that my children will never know the mind-numbing obedience drilling, that directed my thoughts down that path.

A common question to the irreligious by the religious is, "If you don't get your morals from god, where do you get them from?" I would say I learned some beneficial morals from the Mormon church that have benefitted me in life. The thing is, those things I learned transcend Mormon dogma and fall within the realm of civilized society. I've said before that there's nothing positive I learned from the church that couldn't have been learned elsewhere, without a heaping helping of harmful stuff on top.

I learned to care for those different than me in spite of the church's teachings. One thing that continues to stick in my mind is Constitutional Amendment 3, or the Utah Marriage Amendment introduced on the ballot in 2004. I was fairly active in the church when that amendment was voted on and I remember being torn. I knew what the church wanted me to do but it didn't feel right.

Read that again.

What my church, the source of my morals and guidance in life, wanted me to do didn't feel right to me and my own internal moral compass. Who was I to prevent gay people from entering into committed relationships? But according to the church Obedience is the first law of heaven. So I voted in favor of limiting marriage to one man and one woman. (insert polygamous pioneer joke here) I felt sick about it.

I've since realized that placing such an emphasis on obedience is wrong for many reasons. I could write a whole other blog post about it. Maybe I will. But I would argue that voting against my conscience was one of the first earnest cracks in my testimony. Why would the holy ghost, supposedly the entity in charge of my moral compass, make me feel awful about doing what the church wanted me to do?

I've come to learn that there is no other intelligence guiding our decisions, only us and our knowledge gained thus far. Somewhere along the way, even while attending church, I gained the knowledge it was wrong to quash the happiness and legal rights of others just for the sake of getting a gold star for following the rules.

Being gay isn't a sin, it's a genetic, environmentally, and developmentally acquired trait that causes your brain to romantically prefer the same sex. You can choose to ignore it, and behave straight, and try to marry someone of the opposite sex, and have children. But that preference never goes away, because it's hard-wired in you. If you exhort someone to ignore that preference, especially from the pulpit of authority, I believe you're asking individuals to break another one of god's rules. The one about being honest, especially to one's self. And I think that's one of the most important rules a person can learn in this life.

My New Second Job

2010-03-15T19:26:00.002-06:00

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to draw comics. Telling a story with drawings is something that spoke to me at a primeval level. It's something that's been there in the back of my mind, constantly buzzing, and no amount of ignoring or brushing away would make it leave.

My stint in the mad house brought this desire back under the spotlight of my mind, with the free time and encouragement I received there. I'd forgotten how great it felt to lose yourself and lose all track of time working on a project. When I got out I immediately bought myself a tablet, a copy of photoshop and painter. And then life encroached on my enthusiasm once more.

Not having attended more than a single class of college and getting lackluster grades in high school, I never properly learned the trait of discipline. Of working hard and seeing a project through to fruition, no matter the distractions. This has been a painful lesson that I keep attempting to learn again and again.

Seriously, who wants to work for 8 hours, come home and work more? There is housework, and kids, and after that you just want to decompress. To whittle down the pile of games to play, books to read, movies and tv shows to watch. Is that so bad?

And that's the excuse that I've allowed myself for three years now and it's time to break the habit. To break the me that's been holding my dreams back. I feel like I'm a broken record, looking back over old blog posts, trying to convince myself to finally do it. This may be the answer I've been looking for.

I've decided, if this is something I truly want to do with my life, if I want to pursue art as a career, then I need to start treating it with a level of professionalism I haven't in the past. I will treat it as a second job, something that I come home from my day job and continue working on. I've seen enough success stories to know that a little talent mixed with a lot of hard work pays off. Maybe not immediately but where would I rather be in five years? Five more years of excuses? Or five years worth of work I can look back on with pride.

Nobody's ever laid on their death bed saying, "Goddamn I wish I played more videogames."

The Paty Is At My Other Pad

2010-01-13T21:29:00.002-07:00

It seems kind of dead here because I'm posting quite a bit over on my other project related blog.

This blog will remain open as an outlet for my personal life, ruminations on existence, new music and concert reviews, and whatever the hell else isn't part of my project. Right now, though, I'm trying to get swept away by my project and complete something for once in my goddamn life.

In personal news, the little man is only sixteen days from joining the human race and I can't wait. Lets see my project live through that life disruption. ;D

So Many Shiny Things

2009-12-04T13:15:00.003-07:00

This is what I'm talking about, Internet. In the time elapsed since my last blog post I have a mountain of things I'm considering devoting my time towards. Some are creative endeavors, some are media consumption, all present their siren song to me and I'm torn in a dozen different directions.

My "Eroge: The Aftermath" Ren'Py game I began brainstorming a while back.
Modding alternate gender choices for the character classes in Torchlight.
Starting Allegiance Flight School and getting involved in that community.
Possibly creating a comic to document my adventures in Allegiance Flight School.
Playing through the entirety of Guild Wars in preparation for Guild Wars 2.
Finally getting around to watching Full Metal Alchemist so I can return them.
My weekly Lord of the Rings Online nights.
Finishing the latest book in The Hollows series.
Finishing the most recent Prince of Persia.
Working my way through my Painter and SoftImage Gnomon DVD's.
Completing the paper D&D miniatures for the 4e campaign I'm playing.
Throwing myself into the Conceptart community to finally start getting better.
Participating in my bi-weekly podcast for Immortal Machines.

I could probably continue with pages and pages of similar stuff. Just today I wondered how much Darkwind: War on Wheels cost per month, like I can squeeze it in somewhere between my thousands of ambitions.

How do you go about paring down what really matters and focus on it?

Internet, I Have A Problem

2009-11-28T23:10:00.003-07:00

Dear Internet,

I know you give so much to me. You give me LOLCats and Pokerface mashups, Fail Blog and Christian Bale Techno. But I need to ask you for something, something that may not be in your normal area of expertise, with your look-at-the-latest-bit-of-funny modus operandi. I know you have your deep areas as well, so I have hope.

Internet, I'm a failure when it comes to seeing things through to the end. Half-finished pieces of artwork, code, game ideas, electronic paper dolls, world-building documents, even saved game files lie littering my drive like rusting chassis in a post apocalyptic ghost town. My mind is perpetually wandering for the latest fun thing to latch onto and I throw myself haphazardly into whatever sounds most fun at the time.

I fear I may end up like my father, with the inborn talent and inclination towards art but without the drive to see it through. My drawings and paintings will end up something I show my children as something I did once upon a time, reminder of a possible future that now seems lost.

Some days I wonder if improving my art is even something I want to pursue, or if it's something I fooled myself into believing I was actually good at. The last few times I've put pencil to paper I came nowhere close to what I intended to draw, and I had even seemed to regress from my previous ability.

All these ideas swim in my head. Ideas that push back at me when I try to focus on them, mocking me that I once thought them in the realm of my possibilities.

Internet, how do I break through that pushback before I'm once again lost again to my creative nomadism? How do I settle in one place long enough to build the house I dream of building? How do I gain the discipline to become the artist I am in my dreams?

One Impressed KUER Listener

2009-10-28T21:39:00.001-06:00

Sometime in the past year I've become an NPR fiend. Instead of listening to local alternative stations or my iPod, I'm keeping up with world politics and news on All Things Considered or The World, depending on what time I'm commuting that week.

Previous to my discovery of the wonder that is Public Radio I had the misfortune of thinking KSL was my only choice for news. KSL runs the Sean Hannity show and oh the months I listened to that idiot, thinking his skewed and dishonest version of the daily news was the only option I had. If I ever hear another one of his listeners call him a "Great American"... *shudder*

But life is better now.

On to the real reason I'm making this post. Back in mid-September Doug Fabrizio ran a piece called Nuture Shock about misconceptions about parenthood and discipline, lying, etc. During one of the bumpers he had this awesome synthpop sounding piece of music. Being the huge slave I am to synthpop I HAD to find out what he used.

I hopped over to the KUER website and looked for a forum discussing the Radio West pieces but didn't find any. I found a contact us link and fired off an e-mail listing the name of the piece and the exact time stamp it started, hoping that would help whomever received my random e-mail. A month passed and I figured they were probably too busy actually running a radio show to respond to a silly question like mine.

Well this afternoon Elaine Clark, senior producer for Radio West e-mails me back apologizing that it took so long to respond. She even went as far to check on the site they pulled it from, the audio section of Newgrounds (which I didn't even know existed, I thought it was all games) and found it wasn't there anymore. She gave me the name of the artists and the title of the song and I was quickly able to find their homepage and the song.

Thank you Elaine, for going above and beyond for a listener. I love public radio.

Here's You Make Me by Blarsa.

To My Friends on Utah's Capitol Hill

2009-02-23T21:08:00.003-07:00

(After the defeat of ALL the Common Ground Initiative bills I had some questions for those that were instrumental in their failure. This is the email sent to the hearing committee, my representative Chris Buttars, Gayle Ruzicka, The Utah Eagle Forum mailing list, and Mike Waddoups)

In your rush to proclaim The Common Ground Initiative a trojan horse for gay marriage did you once stop to think about the living, breathing, feeling people you're disparaging. In your cursory dismissal during the hearing committees did you ever stop to listen to the gay men and women that showed up to tell you their stories? Do they register as people worthy of empathy by you? Do they register as fellow citizens of this state?

Or are they an amorphous nameless faceless group to you? "Common knowledge" and "tradition" already tell you where to stand on the issue and further introspection and inquiry isn't required?

Even LDS church spokesmen have come out and said they support equal rights for the gay community yet you, our elected officials, are unwilling to even grant them protection from being fired or evicted for the simple fact that they're gay. It doesn't even matter if you agree that being gay is a choice or not. Religion is a federally protected class and that is most definitely a lifestyle choice.

Thirty years from now do you want to look back on newspaper clippings with your names listed as those who were on the wrong side of history. Not so long ago the Utah Legislature was promoting miscegenation and segregation, quoting scripture and church leadership as reasons why we should support those ideas. We now say Brigham Young and Ezra Taft Benson were speaking as men when they proudly declared racism from the church pulpit. In thirty more years the church may say Thomas Monson was only speaking as a man when he encouraged members to give time and money to standing in the way of gay marriage.

When Chris Buttars empahtically declares that gay marriage will destroy this country, he's no more prophetic than you or me. How does he know it will destroy this country? Did God witness to him the truth of that claim? What if the rest of us didn't receive that confirmation? What if some of us went to vote on the Utah marriage amendment four years ago and felt sick when choosing to secure "traditional marriage"?

All I'm asking is for you to consider people. Not tradition, not scripture, not authority. Consider the men, women, and families that come to tell you their stories, that live in your districts, that want the same things you all want. To build a life, raise kids, and grow old with the person they love.

Early Thanksgiving

2008-11-23T22:06:00.003-07:00

I had one of those moments on the drive home tonight after dropping off my girls with Christy. That brief glimpse of connectedness to everything.

It came at the end cap of a wonderful week celebrating my daughters birthday. Earlier this week, on the actual date of their birth, I was invited to join my in-laws in their celebration. I got to see a new nephew for the first time and catch up with my sister-in-law and her husband. I received a nice compliment from my father-in-law and chatted with him for a bit as well. The girls had such a great time; they were absolutely beaming by the end of the night and it was probably their favorite birthday so far.

On Friday I went out with Red, her nieces, and my sister to see the new teen vampire movie. (I don't want a million search hits by invoking the name) It had both its good and bad parts but it was still entertaining and it was fun to get away from the kids for a bit and sit in a darkened theater together. I spent the rest of the weekend with all my girls, reading, playing Rock Band 2, board games, and dancing to DDR-worthy pop music.

Finally tonight we held a second birthday celebration at my parents house. It's so much fun to sit back and see how much my daughters love my sister, how much they love Red's daughter, and to see my parents enjoy these new lives coming into theirs. We all had a blast playing with the girls new toys. (as they're spoiled, utterly, again)

After I dropped Red and her daughter off it was time to take the girls back to Christy. I stopped to chat with her a bit about our weekend. She's so excited for my relationship with Red and how much she loves our girls. I gave her a hug goodbye and as I was driving home the past week just washed over me. The complete feeling of joy because of all the wonderful people I know, all the people who make me a better me, just because my life has been touched by them.

If the religious want to know what atheists have to live for I say we live for the same thing. The wonderful family and friends we make along the journey that is our lives.

The Tyranny of the Majority

2008-11-13T23:27:00.005-07:00

The historic win of Barack Obama and the joy and hope following election day were tainted for me by the passage of Proposition 8 in California as well as anti-gay-rights bills in other states. One step forward for our nation in electing an african-american as president and two steps back in denying the civil rights of a minority group.

You can believe whatever you want about homosexuals, you can even say what you want. (though I'll personally respond by calling you an ignorant uninformed asshole if you say they choose the lifestyle or they're immoral) But the second you start pushing for legislation of your imaginary sky friend's theocratic state we've got a problem.

I'm tired of hearing the excuse that the people voted and we just need to accept the result. (we're a Republic, not a Democracy; see the title of this blog post to understand why) I'm tired of hearing that we're stepping on the rights of the religious. (nobody is making you change your hateful scriptures or saying you can't vomit your bigoted screeds from your pulpit) I'm tired of hearing the argument that we'll be marrying pets, farm animals, or inanimate objects. (because animals can give consent and lamps can sign legal documents, right?)

God damn RIGHT you're the target of protests, you took away the rights of fellow citizens because it offended the sensibilities of your oh-so-warm-and-loving-god to allow them to marry, just like every heterosexual consenting adult in the nation. You're not the target of intolerance, you ARE intolerance personified. You've put your ancient books and ancient men who murmur in the name of god above your fellow citizen. You forego compassion for blind obedience.

Until you learn to love your neighbors, brothers, sisters, children, I and millions like me will continue to vocally express our disappointment in your choices and point you to a love beyond the conditional love of a petty god.

Join me this Saturday, November 15th for a nationwide protest of Proposition 8 starting 1:30 EDT (11:30 MDT) Visit http://jointheimpact.com/ for more information.

Yes We Can!

2008-11-05T23:33:00.005-07:00

Forgive me my earnest title but I can't help it. For some reason the full depth of what Obama being elected actually meant didn't hit me until I saw it on TV last night. Seeing prominent public figures like Jessie Jackson and Oprah Winfrey sitting amongst a crowd demographically all over the map, all overcome with emotion, finally caused it to click for me and I was continually choked up for the rest of the night.

I was witnessing history.

For the first time since 9/11 I felt solidarity with my country. But this time it was for an overwhelmingly hopeful and positive reason. We have overcome a shadow that has been cast on our country for too long. Obama's acceptance speech set the perfect tone. It was victory but a solemn one. There is work to do and he expects as much from us as we expect from him.

Today I am proud to call myself an American. We, as people of this nation, have made the right decision in electing Barack Obama as our next president for many reasons.

Election Eve 2008

2008-11-04T00:22:00.002-07:00

I've been fairly silent on my blog regarding political topics though I've certainly been vocal other places like Facebook. On the eve of one of the most important (aren't they all?) elections of my voting adult life I feel like I should post something.

About midway through the day today I was able to quantify why Barack Obama will get my vote over John McCain. To me McCain represents the arrogant sureness of falsely assuming you have all the answers to life's big questions. He will act quickly and assuredly and ultimately, likely, incorrectly, just like George W. Bush did before him. There's no humility, just a sense of entitlement, of righteousness. The feeling of superiority is amply demonstrated in the way both use fear-mongering tactics to try to cow the public. If you don't do exactly as they say bad things will happen.

Barack Obama represents trust and hope. Trust that he can speak to the public as adults and we will understand, humbly asking for our trust in him to guide our nation, trust that we as citizens of this nation can work together to pull out of our current predicaments and progress and prosper in the years to come. Hope that our nation has repented of it's past sins and is ready to celebrate the nomination of the first black president.

It takes a certain amount of hubris to believe you can lead a nation, and Barack's squeaky clean image has some political smudges on it, but he still gives hope for what is possible. McCain still reeks of the ethnocentrism America should have left behind long ago.

New Music - October 2008 Edition

2008-10-29T18:11:00.008-06:00

This post has been begging to be published for at least a month now. It's new music time on Jer Illuminated!

iTunes single of the week strikes again with Buildings and Mountains by The Republic Tigers. The group has an ethereal rock sound similar to Mew but they hail from Kansas City rather than Norway. After listening to Buildings and Mountains I found a few other songs off the album Keep Color and I continued to be blown away by their sound. It's less electronica and more indie rock but still a very solid listen.

I found the second group, Echo Image, maybe a year ago on either Pandora or Last.FM when listening to my usual synthpop heavy rotation. I immediately loved the song I heard, favorite'd it, then promptly forgot about the band. Something dragged them back up from the cobwebbed depths of my brain and I finally searched for their album Compuphonic. I love this album nearly as much as I love Disconnect by Iris, every song just hits the electro-honed pleasure centers of my brain. The album was released in 2001 and I thought the group had broken up until I found a blog post on their myspace page announcing a new album and new song back in July of 2007. I've got my fingers crossed that its eventually released and approaches the brilliance of the first.

The last band I found, Blaqk Audio, came up as I was hunting down Compuphonic. There was a blog dedicated to darkwave and synthpop and I recognized the members from AFI in one of the images.

I hadn't heard about their synthpop side-project and I like some AFI so I gave them a listen. It was like the goddamn second coming of depeche mode. Cex Cells is another album fit for Jer's hall of A-fucking-mazing synth albums that should be played on infini-repeat.

FSM bless the internet in helping ferret out these brilliant gems that would otherwise be lost.

In Cavedoll related news I finally had the chance to meet Knessa and Camden in person. They were both very gracious, played an awesome show, and their kids are absolutely adorable. They also recently picked up a new guitar player, Josh Emery, that helps fill out their sound nicely. You can hear the re-release of 45 Minute Dance Party including Josh's guitars on their Myspace Page.

Tagged by Knessa

2008-10-09T14:16:00.004-06:00

Being that I'm a follower of Knessa's blog, I have been tagged.

Here are the rules: I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only! Then I must pass it on to seven others.

The questions are as follows:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Where is your significant other? Home
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Dysfunctional
5. Your father? Enduring
6. Your favorite thing? Dirty >= D
7. Your dream last night? Missing
8. Your dream/goal? Comics
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? Gaming
11. Your fear? Regret
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Tokyo
13. Where were you last night? Apartment
14. What you're not? Credulous
15. One of your wish-list items? Home
16. Where you grew up? Magna
17. The last thing you did? Testing
18. What are you wearing? Khaki
19. Your TV? Shiny
20. Your pet? Siamese
21. Your computer? Fast
22. Your mood? Jovial
23. Missing someone? Red
24. Your car? Sentra
25. Something you're not wearing? Suspenders?
26. Favorite store? Book
27. Your summer? Uprooting
28. Love someone? Undoubtedly
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? Recently
31. Last time you cried? Buffy

Wow, uh...

2008-09-09T15:52:00.004-06:00

I guess I didn't realize how much I'd posted "Red"'s name in the past on this blog. I think I caught them all now.

Oooh You're Proficient In Exotic Weapons

2008-09-09T13:20:00.004-06:00

I think everyone's gathered by now that I'm somewhat of a geek. My geekiness goes way back. (See my 7-year-old-self's drawing of Condor Man, I loved comic book heroes even back then) I've had a regular gaming group since I was probably 14 or 15. We're talking character sheets, funny-shaped dice, graph paper, and miniature figures.

I've stuck with this group as I've grown up and still see them on a regular basis to play. There were periods of time where I took a break because of marriage or newborns but I eventually picked up and started playing again. Role-playing games mean creativity, imagination, escapism, math, Cheetos & Mountain Dew, and mostly friendship to me.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

So I've had to miss a few sessions recently because of prior obligations and I've been having minor withdrawls. World of Warcraft scratches a tiny bit of the itch but it's not the same. Luckily this last weekend one of our regular GM's decided to put together a game for some of our ex-mormon friends that were interested in giving the new Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition ruleset a try. We tested it out in our normal group and even a bunch of seasoned veterans had a blast with it.

Now we get to the good part of the story. I brought my girlfriend along (we'll call her Red to protect her from nefarious googlers) and she created her own character and joined in with the rest of us. I'll repeat that. My girlfriend created a Dragonborn Fighter, rolled dice, moved a miniature around on a map, and fought monsters. Without complaint.

I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Time to install that set of shackles I've been holding off on. I can't let this one get away.

Pretentious Book Meme

2008-08-28T16:14:00.004-06:00

I've seen this called both the Pretentious Book Meme or The Top 106 books most often marked "unread" by LibraryThing's users.

Here are the rules: BOLD the books you have read, italicize the books you started but did not finish (DNF), *STAR* the books you've read more than once, underline books that are on your TBR pile, and cross out books that you hated.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Montana, Hey It Ain't So Bad!

2008-08-19T20:50:00.004-06:00

I'm back from my adventures in Great Falls proper. Damn they have a lot of casinos here. Would you call a converted 7-11 a casino? It seems too small to be called that.

In driving around I was on the lookout for a grocery store, knowing the liquor laws in other states are sane and just. I stopped by an Albertsons and I found this:

This brand, Schmitt-Sohne, was one of the first I tried in my sampling of various types of wine. I fell in love with this wonderful little german wine and haven't been able to find it in any of the Utah liquor stores.

For this, Montana, I'll let you sit next to me at lunch and look cool.

Pause Hi. I'm In Delaware.

2008-08-19T17:39:00.003-06:00

I'm not actually in Delaware, I'm in Montana but the quote seemed entirely appropriate. Do people go to Montana on purpose?

Don't be mad Montana-ites (Montanans?) I'm mostly joking. Big Sky country is great, even if I haven't seen the sky since descending through the clouds. At least it's cooler than Salt Lake and there's something thrilling to having a hotel room to yourself, a rental car, and the company paying for your meals.

I'll only be here for one night but I intend on enjoying the hell out of that one night!

In Montana.

Meet my new mistress, WoW

2008-08-18T17:28:00.005-06:00

Yeah yeah, I've been gone. There's this new girl I've been hanging out with quite a bit lately. She's at least 6'5" with horns and hoofs and can take away your pain in an instant.

Ok, that's about as nerdy as I want to get with this. I can feel the ick factor creeping up if I continue any further.

I recently built a new desktop PC after Age of Conan laughed and spat on my "gaming" laptop. A few of my gaming buddies gave it a try but the game will bring all but the most hardy or brand new systems to their knees. I forgot that MMO's are no fun if you don't have friends to share them with and though it's a new spin on the genre, it's still no fun alone.

So those bastards sucked me back in, and good this time.

Around the time of my separation Blizzard released The Burning Crusade, the first expansion pack for WoW. As a way to focus on something other than what was going on at the time, I re-subscribed and started as one of the new races, a Draenei. I'd had a brief flirtation with the priest class when I'd last played a year before and I had enjoyed the helping rather than hurting aspect of the class. Even when face-melting as a shadow priest you still help your group. I made it a she instead of a he because I still haven't seen a dress-wearing male character in WoW that doesn't look goofy as all get-out. Besides, the Draenei females have nice cans and if I'm going to be staring at the same thing for hours on end it might as well be some enjoyable scenery.

When I unsubscribed I left her at level 38. Between then and now there had been a few patches that made leveling insanely faster and I was having a blast as they flew by. This time I seemed to find time to group with friends more often and it all sort of clicked in a way it hadn't in the past. Last week I hit 70 and had my first real raid experience, headset and all.

I'm in my own house but I'm still sharing this virtual space with real friends. We get to go these fantastical places and do cool shit together. We get to share experiences, whether it's killing a boss in a dungeon or wiping the horde in a battleground.

Now the only thing I have to figure out is where the brakes are.

More Cavedoll

2008-08-06T21:00:00.004-06:00

If you read the comments below on my review of The Faint show you'll notice that Knessa, the female lead vocals of Cavedoll, was cool enough to stop by and say thanks. Her husband Camden, male lead vocals, also e-mailed me thanking me for the review.

For being such incredibly nice people I figured I'd plug them one more time. That and I can't get enough of their stuff.

Full of Awe

Thanks guys!

(Not) Freecreditreport.com

2008-08-04T22:52:00.002-06:00

Since I got burned I thought I would toss it out there for all my faithful readers. Don't use freecreditreport.com as they automatically subscribe you to their monthly reporting service with little in the way of notification of their intent. I noticed a $15 deduction from my checking account and searched for the source. I found I wasn't the first to be burned.

Learn from my mistake and follow the links from the FTC's site to get your Free (as in beer) credit report.

The Faint - In The Venue - July 30 2008

2008-07-31T18:30:00.005-06:00

You've read my gushing about The Faint on this blog before and when I found out they were playing here there was no question, I had to see them.

When I arrived at In The Venue (or Club Sound or whatever else they call it) I was greeted with the largest line I've seen there thus far. It wrapped around the side of the club and then folded in on itself back to the front of the club again. I wondered how they could possibly fit that many people inside but they did and then some.

When purchasing my tickets I discovered the name of the opening band, a local group called the Cavedoll. I followed the link to their Myspace page and was pleasantly surprised by their offerings there. A local band that actually fell somewhere in my range of musical taste for once.

I wasn't prepared for what outstanding live performers they would be. You've seen the stereotypical synthpop or electro band that stands there twitching while banging on their keyboards, and you almost feel slightly embarrased for them. Not these guys, they easily outshined the other opening act from New York in my opinion. The lead singer was Gwen Stefani-esque in her cavorting about the stage and kept the crowd's interest and kept me smiling with her antics. The rest of the band were having as great a time and their set was a blast to watch.

The second group, Shy Child, had an interesting sound and I liked a couple of their songs. It was just two guys, a drummer and the vocalist on a keytar. It could've been that they started the show late but their set seemed to drag while I was waiting for the band I paid to see. They may be worth a second listen based on some the of the songs I enjoyed.

Finally The Faint take the stage, the lead singer Todd Fink in a mad scientist getup, and they jump right into Agenda Suicide and the place goes nuts. Apparently they have quite the following here and have played in the past. We Utahns love our synth/electro/pop.

The Faint is definitely not just a studio band, they sounded amazing live and I would've been content to hear them play every last song in their discography. The way they play with bass riffs, synth loops and switch things up mid-song, they were just amazing. They played quite a few songs off their new album, Fasciination, and it's a must buy for me.

They ended with Glass Danse and there wasn't a single person in the place sitting still. Salt Lake is definitely a Faint town and they assured us they can't wait to come back in the future.

Going To See A Man About An Erection

2008-07-30T19:14:00.003-06:00

Just a quickie today, I'm going to be gone during my prime blogging hours to see The Faint at In The Venue/Club Sound/Used-To-Be-Bricks. See previous entries using the tags below to understand the title of this post. There will be a review of the show tomorrow.

Oh, uh oh, erection.

Forgive Me My Sins This Day

2008-07-29T21:58:00.006-06:00

I must beg you, especially the geekiest of you my readers, for forgiveness. I lived in ignorance for so long and maybe even slight condescension.

I avoided the Buffy TV series because I thought it looked cheesy. I feel a deep abiding pain in my soul to write those words now after the heartfelt conversion I've experienced.

I'm one of the few people that loved Loved LOVED the Buffy movie. Kristy Swanson is hot, David Arquette and Paul Reubens are hilarious, and Donald Southerland is hardcore as a crusty old watcher. Funny I would call the TV series cheesy after admitting I like the movie.

But there was this series, Firefly, that lived for only a brief flash on that fuckhole network Fox. I'm still bitter about it's cancellation. This is the show that opened my eyes to the brilliance that is Joss Whedon. I can't NOT laugh at that man's dialog, not that you would even want to... not... laugh.

Beyond the dialog are the characters, god the characters. These people live, you want to be invited to their house to play poker and drink and laugh with them, they're so alive. And Joss breaks your heart by killing one of them off, and you curse him, and then he pulls off some twist of brilliance that totally redeems him along with your faith in humanity.

So now I watch Buffy with Red every Tuesday and I laugh often and cry sometimes at the stories this man can tell.

Joss Whedon IS my master now.

AITP: Alphonse Mucha

2008-07-28T20:01:00.009-06:00

It's about time I put up a new Artist-of-Indeterminate-Time-Period.

In the house I grew up in my bathroom had this wallpaper that were miniature reproductions of French advertisements. Besides unsuccessfully trying to read and pronounce the words I also enjoyed some of the artwork, one artist in particular though I didn't know his name at the time.

Alphonse Mucha IS Art Nouveau to me, he defines that style, a style I absolutely love. (Note to self: Make own Art Nouveau piece) The thick outlines, the intricate detail work in the often symmetrical borders, the painterly figures.

When Red and I went to see Enchanted in the theater I was almost giddy at the opening animated bits. Disney did a wonderful job bringing that style into the animation, especially in Jiselle's window and in some framing of the evil queen.

So there you are then, Mucha, Artist-Of-The-Indeterminate-Time-Period.

Still Sunday for 15 Minutes

2008-07-27T23:43:00.003-06:00

I didn't have much in mind for my second post but, dammit, I'm going to post one.

I've had quite the varied and activity-filled weekend. Friday I gave Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition a spin with my regular gaming group and we had much more fun than I was expecting. It almost feels like playing WoW in tabletop form, only more freeform. I'm actually looking forward to a second session.

And speaking of WoW, I gained two levels (I'm 66 now) on my Draenei priest on Scarlet Crusade. I thought I might start getting burned out but I'm having more fun than ever. I'm getting better and better healing gear and just having a blast running instances.

I went to a farewell party on Saturday night for a co-worker that's moving to Indiana. I got nice and sloshed, more than I've been in a while, and we ended up at one of their friend's bar. Great times and I didn't even have much of a hangover this morning.

All in all it was what I would consider a very weekend-ish weekend. The only thing missing was the girl I'm dating but she was up enjoying herself at a family reunion.

More Ancient Art

2008-07-27T13:18:00.003-06:00

Since I'm somewhat of a loser by not posting yesterday I'll make it up by posting two entries today.

The first is another one of my 7-year-old-Jer drawings. Watching Condorman is an exercise in embarrassment now but I remember absolutely loving it as a child. Who doesn't want giant unfoldable wings to glide off the tops of buildings?

A Litte Anti-Climactic

2008-07-25T17:42:00.005-06:00

From the date on the letter you can see I received this a while back. The most feeling I could muster when getting it was, "Finally!" My life is pretty much the same before and after losing all my heavenly blessings and ordinances. In fact I've started to come out of a rut since then so you could almost say things are looking up.

The only other thing of note is that they didn't include my daughters names and I want written proof that they've been removed. Yay, another round of letters.

Like An Addict Getting Their Fix

2008-07-24T16:50:00.004-06:00

I'm back online!

As promised here's the work of a 7-year-old Jer.

Schrodinger's Caturday

2008-07-23T13:15:00.002-06:00

This blog needs moar pictures so I'm going there. Caturday.

more cat pictures

Starting Somewhere

2008-07-22T12:33:00.007-06:00

So I answered the last question from my blog by sketching a page before bed last night. I'm going to draw at least a page a day. It was really rough and almost painful to look at but I figure the solution to bad drawing is more drawing.

I'm also determined to alternate nights between playing WoW and working on a creative project, whether it be a webcomic, a graphic novel with a friend, or a Neverwinter Nights campaign. I'm afraid if I try to squeeze both in a night I'll just default to playing and never get anything done. With my mentality if I schedule something there's greater chance I'll accomplish it.

I'm also going to map a route in the neighborhoods around my place and start running again. I miss the energy, endorphins, and general clarity I seemed to gain from exercise. I seem to have better mental health when I'm in better physical health. Stupid science.

It's like your parents nagging you about something as a child and growing up to realize they were right when you're an adult.

Looking for Drive

2008-07-21T12:58:00.004-06:00

Over the weekend I was unpacking from my recent move (my roommate is getting married and wants his house to himself, the NERVE!), digging in old boxes that have traveled with me since moving out of the house Christy and I shared.

In one particular box I found a bunch of my old artwork, going as far back as superhero drawings from when I was 7. (Wait until I scan and post these later this week when I get internet at home. It seems like my daughters haven't fallen far from the tree)

It even had some work I created a few years back when I was in one of my creative bursts. As typically happens when I run across some of my old drawings I stopped and realized, "You know, I'm actually pretty good at this. With some work I could really make something of this."

What typically follows is I file them away and get sucked back into life again.

You know how it is. You get home from work and you're burned out, you want to relax in front of the TV or level a character in WoW, or read a book. You don't want to put creativity and effort and energy into anything. It's exhausting just thinking, let alone doing.

This is where the separation happens between those who get what they want in life and those who settle with what is given them. You can be happy and comfortable working for the man, no doubt. I know people who find a groove in life doing something they may not love but it pays the bills and they can buy a home, a car, take vacations, and live happily. Hell, I was (and still may be) that guy.

But there's this nagging part of me that wants more, wants to get better, wants to create and wants people to see those creations. So far that part has lost out to the seemingly immovable mass of my past habits. Objects at rest tend to stay at rest. At times it seems insurmountable.

But I keep trying to find purchase in this massive wall keeping me from what I want. Some small habit I can form, some small niche to pry my way into the way I want to live, the person I want to be. I forget the motivational book I read the example but you have to start the flywheel spinning, do something to get it moving and then keep it going, day after day. Change habits, find your way out of the groove you've worn for yourself, remap neural pathways in your mind and get a new Pavlovian response going.

So where do I start?

The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T12:56:00.001-06:00

Go see it. Just do it. Believe the hype.

Working on dedication and consistency

2008-07-17T12:53:00.005-06:00

So here's the deal.

I'm the master of making excuses, of dropping projects, of ignoring my blog for extended periods of time.

No more I say, no more.

My plan is this. As long as I have an internet connection (I make this caveat as I don't have the internet set up at my new place yet) I will (not try, not attempt, WILL) post every day. It may not be a dissertation on the human condition or an artistic masterpiece, it might even be a single line or a single word but, FSM save me, I will post something every day.

Most often it will be along the lines of what I'm doing today, linking to interesting stories or sites I find in my daily web travails.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog

This week Joss Whedon (of Buffy and Firefly fame) began posting the acts for this small project he worked on during the Hollywood writers strike. It stars Neil Patrick Harris as the titular supervillain who is attempting to get into the Evil League of Evil with Nathan Fillion as Captain Hammer, his nemesis, and Felicia Day as Penny, his pined-for love-interest.

Even if you don't typically like superhero fare you should still watch it for the dialog and hilarious and well-done songs.

The Naked Troll Project

On the nerdier side of things I found a blog detailing the exploits of someone's adventures in World of Warcraft. What made it interesting was he decided that to make the game interesting he was going to level his character from 1 to 60 without wearing armor. He initially wore gloves and boots but eventually eschewed even that small protection.

Ladytron

2008-06-19T12:16:00.004-06:00

Oh my poor neglected blog.

Earlier this month I went to the last of the concerts I'd planned to go to for the early summer. (though I've learned another band I really want to see is coming next month) It was the largest of all the shows, in terms of the size of the audience and venue.

Haunting is probably the best term I could use to describe Ladytron's sound. They were grouped in with the Electroclash movement that began in 2001. It's like synthpop's minimalist more-aggresive cousin.

Their stage setup was amazing. It was like they took something you'd see in an arena and crammed it into this middle-sized club. I was blown away seeing something like that in a smaller, more intimate setting.

The sound in the club was a little off that night and it was rough to hear the vocals over the instruments. That notwithstanding I'm glad I got the chance to see them live, they put on a great show and sound just as good as they do on disc.

	Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

	Found at skreemr.com

AITP: Rebecca Guay

2008-05-20T22:13:00.004-06:00

I noticed with embarrassment that I neglected to post anything about Rebecca Guay when I made her my Artist of Indeterminate Time Period. Let me remedy that now.

The first exposure I had to her art were the many illustrations she contributed to the Changeling: The Dreaming RPG by White Wolf. I fell in love with her ethereal figures done in pencil and watercolor. She puts incredible amounts of texture and motion into her work.

I later discovered she also contributed to another staple in the geek world, art for Magic: The Gathering cards.

In visiting her site after adding her as AITP I also discovered she's a big Obama supporter as well. She's one of the first contemporary artists I've considered ordering prints from to hang and display at home. They just feel fantasy to me.

Rejected Mother's Day Cards

2008-05-13T10:51:00.001-06:00

Cover: "You put the M"
Inside: "in MILF"

Cover: "If I had a Mother like you"
Inside: "I'd have an Oedipal complex"

And VHS or Beta

2008-05-10T16:13:00.004-06:00

Less than a week after the Cut Copy show I was back at the Urban Lounge again for VHS or Beta. The group hasn't had a single of the week on iTunes but I've heard them named by more than one person with whom I share musical taste. For a band that hails from Louisville Kentucky they don't really look or sound the part.

The club was a little more low key this time, being a weeknight, and people slowly trickled in before the first act took the stage. There's something about sitting in a smoky bar with a big mug of beer in my hand, not ten feet from the stage, that just feels right to me.

The opening bands, Starmy and Tigercity, were both great though I can see some finding the falsetto of the lead singer of Tigercity off-putting. VHS or Beta finally hit the stage and the lead singer asked if we really paid to sit and watch from the back. Some filed to the dance floor in front of the stage while others looked away, unsure.

Then they started to play.

	VHS or Beta - Burn It All Down

	Found at skreemr.com

The first strains of Burn It All Down brought everyone forward and they had the audience's full attention from that point on. These guys have been playing together for 11 years and it showed. They're one of the tightest sounding indie acts I've had the chance to see live and I would put their technical ability above even Shiny Toy Guns. The guys can play and damn can Craig Pfunder sing! They ended with Night on Fire and with the whole crowd moving and clapping.

Cut Copy

2008-05-05T22:47:00.004-06:00

Last Friday I hit the first of seemingly innumerable shows I had planned on seeing in the next few months. This was my first time at Urban Lounge and it was a cool little club. Two bars on either side of a dance floor with a stage against the wall.

I'd found Cut Copy like I found a few other bands, as the iTunes single of the week. Also similar to a few other bands I discovered they were playing a show here within a couple months of finding them. I liked them enough I grabbed both their albums and listened to them almost non-stop in the car and at work. To me they sound like a fusion of the pseudo-new-disco sound of Daft Punk with the tight guitars of New Order.

Those boys from Australia knew how to work an audience and they had the whole crowd jumping up and down nearly their entire set. I was surprised to see how many people were already familiar with their music.

The opening acts, Mobius Band and Black Kids, were both pretty enjoyable as well. I have yet to be disappointed by a small club show, I always come away with great memories.

	Cut Copy - Future

	Found at skreemr.com

Insulted

2008-04-28T18:36:00.007-06:00

Earlier this month I made the decision it was time to mail in my resignation letter to The Church. I took the form letter from mormonnomore and tacked on this bit to the end:

"I wish to disassociate myself from an organization that tells my daughters their highest aspiration should be a homemaker. I wish to disassociate myself from an organization that propagates superstitious belief in the power of prayer to effect reality, of spiritual visitations, of faith-healing, and that places more importance on an imagined future over a tangible present. I wish to disassociate myself from an organization that marginalizes homosexuals and coerces its members to codify that marginalization into law. I no longer believe circular logic and subjective emotion are valid methods of discovering truth. I want the freedom to accept or reject ideas on their own merit, rather than what a detached central authority has determined is right for me and my family. My view of the world has grown beyond the broken frame of my youth that tried to contain it for so long."

Within a couple days I received a letter back from every ex-mormon's pal, Greg Dodge, stating they'd received my request. It also stated, to my hyperbolic surprise, that it was a local ecclesiastical matter and my letter was being passed to "my" bishop. I've lived in my new house for almost a year and haven't attended church for nearly three. I don't consider anyone "my" bishop. I fired off a response letter as directed by mormonnomore that, legally, I'm no longer a member the moment they receive my resignation letter and I would appreciate them dismantling the balance beams and flaming hoops they'd like me to jump through.

A couple weeks pass with nary a peep from the department of redundant bureaucracy department. I'm getting a little annoyed and I'm sure we can all see what's coming. I wake up this last Sunday to a voicemail from "my" bishop saying he's received my letter and he just wants to verify I'm me and that I really do want to give up all the wonderful blessings the church has given me like guilt, a smaller bank account, superstition, and intolerance for those different than me.

I ruminate, harumph, and grumble about it for a couple hours. Do I play their game and get a more immediate response or do I refuse and make them do things my way, as explicitly spelled out in two letters now? Expediency won out and I called the complete stranger that had the misfortune of being saddled with this responsibility.

One of the first things he did is assert that he kept everything confidential, though he admitted he received my phone number from my believing roommate. Thanks Greg, for handling things like I requested. The bishop recognized the address as my roommate's and wanted to clarify that I lived there as he'd heard someone had moved out recently. (our other roommate) He expressed his sympathy and wondered if it was anything he'd done that he could rectify.

Ding! He'd touched on shallow reason number 1, I was offended out of the church. I assured him that he'd done nothing wrong as this was clearly the first and only time I'd ever talked to him. Thank you again, Greg, for making a poor overworked bishop feel guilty about something that doesn't involve him in the slightest. At this point he asked me to hold on while he moved into his office, where he confided that I wouldn't be subject to disciplinary action and could simply come in for an interview if I desired.

Ding! Shallow reason number 2, I had sinned and was afraid to confess. I was giving up the promise of eternal life and being with my family forever for one of two very lacking reasons. I was either pissed that a bishop hadn't made an effort to come seek me out when I moved into his ward or I had a sin so grievous that leaving the church, and everything it entailed, was a better option.

I assured him it was something as simple as disbelief that prompted my exit from the church. He asked about my girls (which he happened to notice in my membership record and whose names I also requested be removed) and ended by asking, per the standard script burned into every home teacher's brain, if there was anything else he could do for me. Nope just the revoking of my priesthood powers, blessings, endowments, and eternal sealing to my children thanks. (if only I'd been courageous or callous enough to say that)

Eternal damnation, here I come!

The Grand Kerfuffle!

2008-04-16T17:47:00.008-06:00

Concert season is descending upon Utah in a big way. I already had three shows I planned on attending (Cut Copy, VHS or Beta, and Ladytron) when I learned of a show at the University of Utah not a week off for both Hellogoodbye and Shiny Toy Guns.

Being the crazy music lover I am, I made it happen and found babysitting for the girls last minute so I could attend. (Thanks Sis!)

One of the names for the demise of an ex-mormon board I had a hand ushering in was "The Kerfuffle" or "The Kerfuckle" if you wanted a more international flair. I absolutely had to have a T-shirt with the name of the show on it to wear at future ex-mo get-togethers.

The show itself was great, if not a little cold. They held it in the grassy area outside the student union building and mother nature hates springtime in Utah. I was moving to the music as long as the bands played so I didn't stay cold for long.

My first thought on seeing a video for Hellogoodbye was that they would be the result if the stars of the movie Revenge of the Nerds decided to start a band. They were hilarious with the lead singer miming flashing the audience his chest while shouting "Show em! Show em! Show em to Gordon Hinckley!" I was dying, especially at the occasionally mortified audience member. For their finale they played their most recognizable song, Here (in your arms). They substituted the second verse with Digital Love by Daft Punk much to the enjoyment of the group I was with. I definitely like these guys even more after seeing them live.

I don't think a single person was sitting through the entirety of Shiny Toy Guns set. They were very appreciative of the crowd's energy and kept commenting on what a good time they were having. The lead singer has a grizzly adams beard that they put up for a vote of approval by the audience. They played a few new songs as well as an older song I'd never heard before. I REALLY like!

There's nothing quite like seeing your favorite bands live.

Freezepop Forever

2008-03-28T17:31:00.004-06:00

The other day I found myself on last.fm lamenting the fact that there just wasn't enough electroclash in my playlist. Sure I own two Fischerspooner albums and a couple Ladytron songs but that was it, two bands. I know you're nearly as disgusted as I was, absolutely incredulous.

Last.fm has something similar to Pandora, where you type in an artist's name and it plays songs that have been tagged as similar. I plugged in Ladytron and while it came up with some decent selections but nothing that really caught me. Then I heard them. The unabashedly synthpoppy Freezepop. I was in multi-layered-looping heaven! With songs about Chess King, Tracey Gold, and even a cover of the theme song to Jem you could say they play up the 80's vibe their music evokes.

If their music was merely nostalgia-worthy I may have moved on already but they've got some genuinely great pop music. If you like the video and the song on this post they've got a few more free songs up on their page under releases.

	Freezepop - plastic stars

	Found at skreemr.com

Jer Illuminated #2

2008-03-26T19:39:00.002-06:00

Jer Illuminated #1

2008-03-19T00:59:00.001-06:00

Chip Off the Old Block

2008-03-16T21:49:00.006-06:00

Since purchasing my graphics tablet I've been treated on a regular basis to, "Dad can I draw on your computer? Dad can I draw on your computer? DAD! Can I draw on your computer???"

They finally broke me down this weekend and I let them have a try at it. Older-by-two-minutes daughter took to it like a duck to water and was turning out art very similar to what she does with physical medium.

Christy pointed out the, "I WILL KILL YOU!" look on the face of the guy in green. (That's Link from The Legend of Zelda. I'm not sure if it's Ocarina of Time or Twilight Princess Link)

Slightly-younger daughter had a much more difficult time, scribbling violently as I winced on, that eventually ended in tears. I let her know most people find it difficult to adjust to using the tablet and that she could try again another time. The explanation seemed to satisfy her frustration; that or she was immediately distracted by her legos.

Comic Teaser

2008-03-13T23:57:00.004-06:00

So much for getting this up by Wednesday. If I'm lucky I'll steal some time this weekend to complete it. I'm working towards one comic a week, consistently, which is something I'd planned on doing since starting this blog.

Anyway, here's a teaser image of one of the panels. It's brush style inking that some comics use, though I think I may go for a more technical-pen even-width line for the final comic. It was still fun to play with this style and I may color it and use it as an avatar.

An atheist's creed

2008-03-07T11:05:00.002-07:00

I believe in time,
matter, and energy,
which make up the whole of the world.

I believe in reason, evidence and the human mind,
the only tools we have;
they are the product of natural forces
in a majestic but impersonal universe,
grander and richer than we can imagine,
a source of endless opportunities for discovery.

I believe in the power of doubt;
I do not seek out reassurances,
but embrace the question,
and strive to challenge my own beliefs.

I accept human mortality.

We have but one life,
brief and full of struggle,
leavened with love and community,
learning and exploration,
beauty and the creation of
new life, new art, and new ideas.

I rejoice in this life that I have,
and in the grandeur of a world that preceded me,
and an earth that will abide without me.

-PZ Meyers

Feelin Sisyphus

2008-02-26T22:19:00.003-07:00

I finally hammered out the figure on my latest painting and it's ready to post. It's another one of my emotion paintings, where I try to tap into a feeling and express it through my art.

I'm not sure if I should explain my feelings behind them or just leave it up for personal interpretation. When posting the last two I explained the scenarios that brought them about, perhaps I'll let this one stand on it's own.

This will also be going up on my new Deviantart page. Everybody's doing it right? Those who don't want to bother designing their own page anyway.

Brief Interlude to Politics

2008-02-19T18:46:00.008-07:00

Do you ever have so many topics you want to talk about that you can't pick just one? Do you then subsequently ignore the very thought of posting anything because of that indecision?

No? So I'M the crazy one here.

How about that Barack Obama then? I voted on Super Tuesday for the one candidate that inspired hope for the future in me. Watching him give speeches fills me with shades of Martin Luther King Jr., FDR, Kennedy. He gives a sense of the common person working towards something bigger than us all. He always says "we" when talking about his accomplishments. He talks about a more transparent government and you don't feel bad about believing that he's telling the truth. He's for network neutrality and is one of the most technologically savvy candidates running.

I can only hope Hillary keeps shooting herself in the foot trying to paint him in a bad light. He's admitted to experimenting with drugs and apologizes for his mistakes. How do you fight someone who comes off as so... human?

So I indulge in hope that for once, come November, I don't have to pick the least deplorable candidate but that I get to vote for someone I would genuinely support in office.

Yes we can.

Study of an Artist in the Making

2008-02-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

Here's the third, and final, assignment from the first section of the book. A self-portrait. I can see bits I dislike but overall I don't think it came out too bad. It's been a while since I sat down and looked in a mirror for a forty five minutes and drawn myself.

Start at the Very Beginning

2008-02-03T23:01:00.000-07:00

...I've heard it's a very good place to start.

When I decided last year I was going to start towards an art career in earnest I also realized I needed a better foundation and grounding in the principal skills. I visited a few art sites and messageboards and noted some of the books that were suggested. One particular book mentioned was one I'd heard of previously so I went and picked up a copy, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. (There's a link in my currently reading section)

The best thing about this book over many art books out there is it helps you re-train your brain. When most people draw they sketch what they THINK they see, which are shorthand symbols for eyes, lips, hair, etc... I learned how to retrain my mind back in my high school art classes but it never hurts to get a fresh start and a new perspective on techniques.

The book also talks about the trancelike state you seem to enter when you're hyper-focused on a project, where hours pass by like minutes. It discusses ways of passing more quickly into that phase from our normal analytical state of mind.

I've just started the book and I'm doing the pre-instruction projects. My "before" and "after" pictures won't be quite as dramatic as some pointed out by the author but I still hope to see a marked improvement by the time I finish the book.

Here's my "draw your hand" exercise:

Creationism vs. Science

2008-01-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

I got chills watching this video and immediately had to share it.

I don't understand why people require a magical explanation when the secular world, and our knowledge of it thus far, is so awe inspiring on it's own.

Just Draw

2008-01-30T23:58:00.000-07:00

Looking askance at my Wacom for a few hours like it was going to bite me I finally decided to open Painter and just dive in. Why do I need to work up the guts every time I want to get started? Just draw, motherfucker!

I'm working on another painting but I cranked this out while taking a break from it. It's a side orthogonal like you would use for a modeling sheet in animation or 3d-modeling. I had fun playing with the shapes of the torso and the neck and head.

My next goal is to get away from being so married to this look and toss out a couple other stylistic choices.

A New Art Project!

2008-01-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this mostly so you, my faithful readers, can keep me honest in my intentions.

One of the gifts I was looking for during the holidays for my daughters was a science fiction or fantasy early reader book. Something with dragons or robots, two things they both enjoy. I came up empty, just the typical puppies, dinosaurs, and farm animals.

I mentioned this to my girlfriend and she begged the obvious question, "Why don't YOU make one for them?" Insert facepalm.

I've picked up my electronic pen for the first time in what seems like forever and whipped this out in about a half hour. I need more of these half hours to refine this and then I do believe I'll try modeling it in 3D.

If I go longer than a week without posting a new image kick my ass, please.

You, too, can be an SP!

2008-01-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

Has it really been more than a month since I last updated? Time flies when you're celebrating the holidays and unmotivated.

Something significant brings me back to the keyboard today. A few of you may have seen the youtube clip that was leaked of Tom Cruise at his nuttiest, talking about OT's and SP's and acting like a pod person. Scientology did as scientology does and pulled the clip and threatened legal action to anyone hosting it, just like they do with anything negative posted on the internet about them ever.

Queue the group Anonymous, a loose coalition of individuals from various -chan forums that usually help come up with the next internet meme and occasionally hack groups or individuals. In the past they've picked targets that have either made them angry or just seemed fun to harass. They decided they'd had enough of the coverups, threatening letters, "Fair Game" practices, and shabby treatment of it's own members this dangerous cult had taken part of in the past.

So they released a declaration of war video that looks like something from a movie:

Since then they've performed DDOS attacks on numerous CoS sites, uploaded many CD's worth of scientology literature that adherents normally have to pay a fortune for, as well as posting the full 45 minutes of the Tom Cruise video that started it all.

It seems like this is starting to get bigger than just Anonymous, or maybe it's what they had in mind all along. You don't have to visit this or that forum, be a part of this or that IRC channel to be a part of Anonymous. You just have to believe in the cause.

Who knew, given the right spark, the general internet could come together and try to stop a dangerous cult that uses it's lawyers like attack dogs against anyone that tries to tell the truth about them.

Keep the lulz coming, Anonymous.

Dispensing Music Now

2007-12-19T22:47:00.001-07:00

You ever have one of those posts where you fight to say things in an entertaining manner and it just doesn't come to you?

This will be a utilitarian post. I will disseminate information and you will absorb and accept or reject it based on your musical taste.

I told Liseysmom I would mention some of the music I've been hooked on lately, as I'm want to do.

First up is Hello Operator. I discovered them through the Hoooka of the Day newsletter I get from indie911. Their recently released EP was described thusly: "It merges the band's new wave pop sensibilities with their other influences including brit-pop, punk, and 70's rock n' roll."

I can't find their songs in my regular embedded music player so you get the full multimedia experience. I would also suggest listening to "Just Another Girlfriend" on their Myspace page. They remind me of a slightly harder version of The Cars, all modernized post-punk-sounding like The Killers or The Bravery. I liked them enough I picked up everything I could find by them on iTunes.

Next up is Mew. They're a Danish band that had a single of the week on iTunes a while back, Apocalypso. I only gave them a cursory listen but they were recently brought to my attention again. I'm at a loss when trying to describe them... maybe The Cure meets Smashing Pumpkins?

	Mew - Special

	Found at skreemr.com

Lastly, for now anyway, we have VHS or Beta. If you like Daft Punk or Justice there's a very good chance you'll enjoy this band as well. Even if you don't like the above bands I would still suggest giving them a shot. They're a really fun listen.

	VHS Or Beta - Burn It All Down

	Found at skreemr.com

Believe it or not I have three or four other bands I could list but I'll save them for another post in the near future.

Do I hear the sound of iPods filling to the brim?

The New Dance 2

2007-12-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

Back on May 28th I posted about the forced change in perspective towards my relationship with Christy. I was having a difficult time seeing her as a co-parent and friend but nothing more. It's been almost seven months since that post, though some days it feels like years and other days it feels like just yesterday.

Last week we decided we would both take the girls to see Ballet West's production of The Nutcracker. This was one of our holiday traditions even before we had the girls and Christy was kind enough to offer me a ticket so we could continue with it this year. I just wrote "strangely" but I'm not entirely sure how strange it is that this was completely comfortable for me. This is how I would like our relationship to evolve, with both of us comfortable attending the same events, friendly, and enjoying one-another's company.

In keeping with the dance theme I'll clumsily segue into The Nutcracker. I'm one of those rare men you hear about in wives tales that enjoy dressing-up and going to see a symphony, play, or ballet. Speaking directly about The Nutcracker, I love the live orchestra and the classical music. I love the costumes, the scenery, the lighting.

I also love the Arabian Dance in the second act.

From the very first time I attended the show this particular dance exuded sexuality to me. It's a combination of the skimpy costumes, the lilting music, and the back and forth dominance of the male and female dancer throughout the song. I doubt the choreographers intended this but it's what goes through my head as I watch in rapt fascination. The lithe dancers twisting and contorting around one another in serpentine waves, as if they're being mesmerized by a pungi.

Who says the Ballet isn't any fun?

Christmas is Coming, the Goose is Getting Fat.

2007-12-09T21:33:00.002-07:00

File under telephone calls I never thought I'd receive. I'm at Red's parent's house having dinner with her family when I get a call from one of my roommates:

Roommate: "Hey, when you come home tonight... are you coming home tonight?"

Me: "Yeah I should be home later, why?"

Roommate (in a matter of fact tone): "When you get home come in through the front door, not the garage. We don't want the goose to get out."

Me: "Wait, what???"

Roommate: "We're afraid if you open the garage door the goose will get out."

Me: "What goose???"

Roommate: "Well see we came home and there was a goose in the road and we were afraid it would get hit by a car so we chased it into the garage and called animal shelter. They said they couldn't come get it if it wasn't a dangerous animal so we're trying to figure out what to do with it."

Me: "Okay... uh.... I'll be sure to use the front door."

Why do I feel like Chandler from Friends all the sudden?

Erection (or song heard on the way home tonight)

2007-12-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

The Faint - Erection

It's a scene from the movie.
It's an aisle at the store.
It's the view of a canyon.
The sound of a sword.

It's an orchard of peaches.
Your wife in the shower.
While you wait for appointments.
Or as you walk through the park.

Oh. uh oh. Erection.

You know it's not only love dear.
That can flip the switch up.
You know it probably should be.
Maybe god fucked it up.

Oh uh oh. Erection.

It boiled up like a tower.
A monument in the park.
It's the cock of a rifle.
A memory in the dark.

You tried to keep it a secret.
But now the world's gonna know.
You tried for perfection.

But then oh uh oh. erection.
oh uh oh. erection.

In no way should anyone read anything into any of this. I've heard this song a few times and have meant to post about it as it cracks me up every time I hear it.

Whirlwind of Life

2007-12-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

So much for NaBloPoMo. Living's more fun than writing about living, right?

A brief scan of posts for the past few months indicate I neglected to mention a very large life change. I left the University of Utah at the end of September to go back to my previous employer. They were bleeding out experience and desperately needed a supervisor to assist the manager in the tech support department, cue me.

I'd only been gone a year but quite a bit had changed, in the software and in the department. None of the techs had more than two years experience at the most besides the manager. At first I was gung-ho to bring some of the things I'd learned from my stint at the University into the department.

Unfortunately I didn't have much time to do more than just answer calls and questions from the other techs and got sucked into the day to day grind of the place. It started feeling similar to when I left until the manager threw a giant curve ball. He was leaving. He was also suggesting I become the new manager of the department.

This produced equal feelings of panic and opportunity. There's no way in hell I would have done it last year but now I feel ten years older, less afraid, more responsible, and like I could do some real good there. Unfortunately the upper management of the company didn't quite feel the same and offered the job to another ex-employee, who ended up getting a counter offer and staying where he is anyway.

So the ex-manager and the ex-employee both vouch that I'm the man for the job to upper management, and again they go to another ex-employee instead.

You can hear the frustration in those italics, can't you? In the end they gave me a promotion of sorts, I'm in charge of creating training materials and helping new customers get up to speed. It also came with a raise so I'm not complaining too loudly.

Do I get sucked into the promotion cycle, stress and voracious appetite for time included? The money isn't half bad and the experience sure looks good on paper.

Here Lies Jeremy. He did amazing things directing human energy in a technological support capacity.

Fuck. That. Shit.

This blog needs more art.

Happy Rock Band Day!

2007-11-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

You saw that post further down about Rock Band right? It came out today. I don't have an XBox 360 and I still picked up the $170 boxed set that comes with the game, a guitar, drums and a mic.

Best $170 I've ever spent on my gaming hobby! I just got back from a co-worker's house where we sat and played for four hours straight with barely a pee break. At first we mixed it up, trading off instruments so we could each try our hand at singing, guitar or drums. Somebody ended up leaving early so we each picked a position in the band and stuck with it. I got vocals.

After a while you just sort of start to gel and get a feel for how each person in the band plays, when to hit bonuses and multipliers, and it's amazing the rush you get when you hit the crescendo of a song together perfectly. Unless you miss, then the three of you gang up on the fourth and tell him he's out of the band.

I see many an amazing night with friends in the future with this game. I'll post pics as soon as I get them, there's a great one of me singing "When You Were Young" by The Killers.

Tagged by my Hetero Life Mate

2007-11-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

A). Link to the person who tagged you (Erik) and post the rules on your blog.

B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

I used to make action figures and vehicles out of paper when I was a child. My daughters seem to have inherited this penchant for creative ways of getting what they want.
I prefer Pepsi products over Coke.
I still make toys out of paper, though they're more elaborate nowadays.
I went on maybe four dates, total, in high school and didn't have my first kiss until I was 17.
I went over ten years without getting a speeding ticket and then received two within a one month timespan.
I'm 30 and still play D&D on a regular basis.
I plan on taking fencing classes in the near future.

There is no C because, goddamnit, I refuse to perpetuate tags and/or chain letters. And I'm anti-establishment and a rule-breaker like that. Which also makes D unnecessary.

The Cake Is A Lie

2007-11-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so giddy about this game I don't even know how to net my spastic thoughts, bottle them, and pin them down in a pleasing manner fit for public consumption.

I've followed indie gaming on the PC for a while now. (kind of like indie music only nerdier) Students at the Digipen institute created a game they later released for free on the internet called Narbacular Drop. It was a sort of 3D puzzle game where you could throw an entrance and exit portal on any non-metallic surface to navigate and solve the levels.

It was such a brilliant game concept the students were snatched up by Valve, the developers of Half Life, to create a pack-in for their Orange Box game collection. They would create a short game called Portal that expanded on the ideas presented in Narbacular Drop.

I had already played Narbacular so I knew the gameplay would be solid but I wasn't prepared at all for the story in which they wrapped it up. My first taste was a trailer for the game.

The voiceover you hear in the trailer is an enormous part of the setting. She's like a chipper version of HAL named GlaDOS. She starts out instructional but slowly gets more and more malevolent.

I won't get into the specifics of the setting lest I spoil it for anyone who is thinking about picking it up or who hasn't played it yet. For a spoiler-filled review that nails exactly how I felt after completing it read here. In my opinion Portal proves, without a doubt, that video games can be art.

This game will also spawn many inside-joke references across the web dealing mostly with cake and the adoration of the weighted companion cube. For me "The Cake is a Lie" also speaks of a deep-seated distrust of authority most of us hold in one way or another.

I need to go back and play it again so I can find the weighted companion cube shrine hidden in one of the levels.

"There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him."

Turning Saints Into The Sea

2007-11-14T21:58:00.001-07:00

I sat down to my laptop earlier this evening to catch up on the many and varied sites I follow. My sister asked if I'd heard Sawdust yet. It's the recently released B-Sides and Rarities album by The Killers.

I said I'd only heard a couple songs off the album so she started streaming it and we listened to it in the background. She had to leave for a bit so I was alone listening to it for a while, tuning it in and out as my attention vacillated depending on the site I was at.

Slowly the familiar strains of Mr. Brightside played across my thoughts and I noticed they included a remix of it as the last song on the album. Mr. Brightside is a deep mixed bag of emotions for me. It represents awakening, fear, friendship, pain, and potential.

Awakening to a new way of looking at the world and the fear associated with that. The song came out at roughly the same time I was leaving the church and rebuilding my worldview. It represents the friendship of the people I met online at this time and whom I still call friends. We can't throw a party without this song coming up on the playlist resulting in a rush to the dancefloor and everyone singing along with it TO me. It represents the pain of losing "Mrs. Brightside." Nowadays it represents destiny, my potential, and what I'm capable of when I put my mind to things.

God I love music.

	a2 - the killers-mr brightside (thin white duke remix)

	Found at skreemr.com

Halloween; A Decompression

2007-11-06T13:52:00.001-07:00

I chalk up the most recent silence on the blog to a combination of two factors: Halloween and Red. The third is laziness but that one's ever-present and you're tired of hearing me talk about that anyway.

I introduce you to both causes of recent silence through a series of pictures.

Yeah, I'd fuck me.

I'm not even going to pretend like I'll be able to keep up with the rigors of NaBloPoMo, especially since I'm looking at a two week trip to Trinidad at the end of the month. My personal goal is to beat my top number of posts for a one month time period. That currently stands at eight for last years NaBloPoMo. That should be easy right?

These Go To Eleven

2007-11-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Me and rhythm games have a colored history.

I remember hearing about a game called Dance Dance Revolution about ten years ago. It sounded like the Nintendo Powerpad recycled as an arcade game to me, I didn't understand what the big deal was. You get up and stomp on the buttons in time to the music, what's the big deal. It sounds like something Japanese school girls would like.

Around the same time a game called PaRappa the Rapper was released for the Playstation and became a huge hit. This one was even more headscratching as you're just pushing buttons on a game pad in time to the music. You don't even pretend to dance! Talk about a dumbed down game concept.

Skip ahead a few years to the release of the Sega Dreamcast and a game called Space Channel 5. Same concept as PaRappa only this time the protagonist is a curvy pink-haired woman in a spacesuit a'la Barbarella. Ok so maybe sex does sell. I ended up picking it up and enjoying the hell out of it.

Shortly thereafter I found myself at a party one weekend where a group of co-workers had brought in an X-Box and four Dance Dance Revolution pads. We connected it to an overhead projector and a decent stereo and for the next 30 minutes I sat watched people who had obviously played the game way too much. They stepped, jumped, and turned in perfect synchronization to the music and to one-another. I was so mesmerized I lost prejudice for the game enough to ask for a turn. They set it to the easiest level and I still failed miserably but it was fun, god it was fun.

I finally understood what those Japanese school girls had seen all along.

I eventually picked up the game and my own pad and though I never got as good as my friends I still had a blast playing. Which brings us to this last year.

Different set of co-workers and a drinking game with lots of beer this time. I'd been hearing a lot about this game called Guitar Hero. Same premise as DDR only instead of a dance pad you have a guitar you press colored buttons on in time to the music. It feels less a guilty pleasure and more socially acceptable to wail on a guitar than bounce around on a plastic mat with giant arrows.

I hesitated to get into these types of games because they were the realm of the slavering masses. Those that had eschewed video games as too complex and for nerds. They had never cared if that new sword raised an elves attack value enough to be worth the cost, or learned to circle strafe or rocket jump. I felt like I was betraying my roots. But you get to pretend to play guitar!!! Now with less air and more interaction!

Well, somebody was reading my mind and has found the perfect marriage of experience/level/never-ending-treadmill style gameplay and the rhythm game. They also threw in what promises to be the ultimate drunken party game to boot.

You've got a guitar, a microphone, and drums this time for you and two drunken friends. (three if you pick up another guitar for someone to play bass) They've created a World Tour mode where you create a rock star analog of yourself in game, as do your friends, and you come up with a band name and logo. You start off playing smaller clubs and build a fanbase and slowly unlock things like a manager, tour bus, roadies, etc... until you have enough infrastructure with you to allow you to play stadiums. You earn money in game for better equipment, stage props, costumes. I'm sure you can hear giddiness in my serifs as I type this. It's so absolutely perfect.

Here's where you, my readers, get to join in the fun. We've all thought at one time or another "that outrageous combination of words would make the perfect band name"! I need a name for my band so I can get working on a logo and have it ready for the game when it comes out on the 20th.

If any of you have felt the spirit of rock and own an Xbox 360 you can play with your band on Live so you don't even have to be in the same room to rock out together. In the words of AC/DC: We roll tonight... to the guitar bite... and for those about to rock... I salute you.

Words Fail

2007-10-29T09:56:00.000-06:00

Most of you have likely already read on Christy's blog about the death of a dear friend's husband to Melanoma. I just want "Patsy" to know you're constantly in my thoughts and I will be actively seeking ways to help you during this extremely difficult time. I'm so so sorry my friend.

Office Revisited

2007-10-07T22:40:00.000-06:00

I've posted about Office once before in my dissertation about my love of post-punk. At the time I'd picked up their album, Q&A, off iTunes because it was fairly hard to find anywhere else and I wanted the music Right. Then!

Since then they were picked up by New Line Records and they re-recorded a bunch of songs from Q&A as well as some new ones for the widespread release of a new album, A Night At The Ritz. I've been looking forward to the album since they pulled Q&A off iTunes for the new release and it finally came out September 25th 2007.

After hunting around at all the big media stores like FYE, Circuit City, and Best Buy with no luck I finally tried a local place that usually gets small releases. Each of their stores only received one copy so I had them hold one and snapped it up. Thank FSM for Graywhale.

The re-recorded tracks sound great and the additional songs fit in perfectly. It's my belief this band is going to be big. For some reason I keep wanting to compare them to The Smiths though that's not exactly what they sound like. More Brit Pop in general, though they hail from Chicago.

I'm curious if you, my gentle readers, appreciate me mentioning my latest musical conquests or if they elicit a big yawn? Not that I intend to stop posting about them, this is my blog after all. I just wonder if this is mainly for my own record-keeping or if any others have enjoyed some of the bands I've come across.

Dirty Harry Rackham

2007-09-19T10:54:00.000-06:00

Yarrr! Welcome to the Talk Like a Pirate Day edition of me blog. Ne'er has there been a greater Talk Like a Pirate Day than the one I be experiencin' t'day. Above be me pirate name and I be captain o'the Scream o'the Ocean!

T'start me high school mascot was a pirate so I already be havin' an in with this fine holiday. I be datin' a fine corsair lovin' lass that be willin' to watch many a swashbucklin'-themed film with me. In that spirit I be timbered ta find that there be a pirate themed movie set in the fine state of Utah, if ye can believe it!

They be havin' a Talk Like a Pirate Day screenin' of the movie t'night and ne'er stormy seas nor Davy Jones h'self could keep me from what should be th'crown jewel of a fantastic day.

Buckle a swash f'r me t'day!

YARRRR!!!

The Faint

2007-09-14T08:36:00.000-06:00

I'm aware of how remiss I've been in my bloggerly duties. Believe it or not I've been working on a couple posts behind the scenes. Unfortunately one can only work so much on a post about porn while at work. (where I generally do most of my blogging)

So here's a bit of filler before I post my ode to pornography.

You're all very aware of my deep infatuation with the post-punk movement. Like a junkie I keep going back over and over to get my fill of electronic-induced euphoria. I've been introduced to yet another band with those irresistibly chunky synth beats. This group falls under the classification Electropop.(as opposed to Electroclash) They're heavier on the electronica sound than The Killers or The Bravery and less punk sounding than The Start while still not quite tipping over into techno.

The band is called The Faint and I have yet another musical obsession. I eagerly await any news of them touring. (I just may have to make a trip to Denver on the 26th) They're even cool enough to stick a bunch of tracks up on their site so give them a listen. I suggest I Disappear(it's got an awesome bass line), Call Call, Glass Danse, and Conductor - Joy Electric Mix.

Misdirection

2007-08-30T22:41:00.000-06:00

Pay no attention to the lack of recent posts. Look at this shiny object in my other hand!

I, like most geeks, dig internet memes. All your base, Leeroy Jenkins, Numa Numa, Badger Badger Badger, and the sheer absurdity of Lolcats never fails to bring a smile to my face. I was browsing the web tonight and I saw Lolcats taken one step further to a more obscure and nerdy extreme. I laughed for a good five minutes when I saw this.

Based on the "invisible" lolcats gag:

God I'm such a nerd.

Artist of the Indeterminate Time Period

2007-08-14T23:03:00.002-06:00

You all know Sister Mary Lisa right? Brilliant, funny, talented woman that she is she came up with an idea that I'm wholeheartedly embracing and making a regular feature. Both being artists, we've got those that have inspired us from ancient masters up to more contemporary works.

We started sharing with one another but I decided it's yet another thing I could list in my pile of obsessions to the right so everyone could partake.

Most of you probably know the inaugural artist by his re-working of the Creation of Adam by Michelangelo. I'm in awe of his ability to paint using Photoshop and, being the gamer I am, I love his concept updates for old games. The fact that he breaks down his technique and gives you a mini-education in light & shadow, color, and form with his tutorials just endears me to him even more.

Niklas Jansson:

Stolen Babies On Board

2007-08-13T11:56:00.000-06:00

I'm a bit of a music fiend if you've noticed (you should be ashamed if you haven't) and lately I seem to be gravitating towards women that are similar. Luckily they seem to have similar taste in music and I've been flooded with new bands to listen to. The one that tops them all though is Stolen Babies. I haven't been this excited about a band in a long time.

You probably had the same reaction I did when you heard the name. "What kind of two-bit amateur group has a name like Stolen Babies? Are they some kind of speed and/or death metal band from Norway? Do they dress in viking armor and growl unintelligibly into a megaphone?"

The best way I can describe them is a mix of Oingo Boingo (even going as far back as the Mystic Knights) with some Siouxsie and the Banshees, toss in some My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult and even a little No Doubt. On the album I picked up their style oscillates wildly between all those groups, from angry thrashy to melodic melancholy. You just don't get bored listening to them.

John Avila, the bassist from Oingo Boingo, produced their one video so far and it's definitely got a heavy Tim Burton influence with some nods to Boingo as well:

I HAVE to see these guys live:

To My Scared Friend

2007-07-31T09:32:00.000-06:00

All my positive thoughts are with you and your family right now. It feels so inadequate to post about it but I'm there to support you in whatever way I can right now.

I'll keep checking up on you to make sure you're ok.

I Can't Believe It's Really Over

2007-07-27T00:22:00.000-06:00

To those who don't seek leadership, but who leadership is thrust upon. To those are humble in their confidence and don't seek praise. To the link with greater humanity in all of us.

To Harry Potter and to the end of his amazing tale.

I can't believe it's really over.

The Awakening

2007-07-12T22:55:00.000-06:00

I spent way more time on this than I wanted to, it was just supposed to be a quick emotional study like the frustrated painting.

I could pussy-foot around the story but fuck it, blunt honesty it is. Most of you have already read about the party for SML and FTA on other blogs. Christy has a longer history with SML and it was decided she would attend this party as we were still navigating if we could handle being at a party at the same time.

A few people called me from the party begging me to show, so I talked to Christy and we agreed it still wouldn't be a good idea. I heard from more people at the party and I started to get irrationally livid, frustrated with the divorce, and I started sinking back into a familiar rage that had punctuated weekends in the past.

About this time Sideon logged on IM and I just dumped and dumped and dumped on the poor guy. I'm pretty sure he posed one or two simple questions and it stopped me in my tracks. We talked for a while and I felt immeasurably better by the time I went to bed.

This was a Friday night and over the course of that weekend I just felt better and better. It took a lot longer but it was like the clarity that came after the panic of leaving the church. All the sudden I knew my life would be ok from here on out.

This was the image that came to mind over the weekend and I had to get it down. The gray figure is supposed to look more like an empty husk, like the shed skin of an insect, but like I said, I just wanted to get this finished and up. Something quick and dirty.

Life is amazing again.

My Disaffection Story Part 4: The One Behind The Wheel

2007-07-05T00:49:00.000-06:00

So last we left off I received an e-mail from my sister in law stating Christy's dad had left the church.

I sat on this news for about a month, debating in my mind whether I should tell Christy about it, whether I should investigate things myself, whether I would continue going to church if she decided to leave herself. During this month my mother-in-law called to give me the same news, but also asked that I keep it from her until she had a chance to discuss it in person.

I didn't dare visit the link her sister sent me (it was to josephlied) because everyone knows you're not supposed to look at anti-mormon material. So I kept it to myself and went along as if nothing was different.

It was roughly a month later one Sunday morning we were watching the daughter of the couple we were friends with. They were both in leadership positions and both had to attend the same meeting that morning. Christy was writing out a check for tithing and was at wits end because we were giving all this money to the church while we had to charge her dental work to a credit card. She blew up, frustrated that our morning preparations were interrupted because both our friends had to be at a meeting and we had to watch their child. Frustrated that the church has money for gold-plated pay phones in the temple and we have to charge medical bills. Frustrated that we felt like we were doing everything right but were still struggling.

So I told her not to pay tithing. That stopped her for a moment and I took a deep breath and told her what I'd learned about her dad. She looked as if she had the wind knocked out of her and she began to cry. We went to church in a haze that day. I don't remember any of the lessons and I'm sure I rushed my clerk duties as quickly as possible so I could get back home and we could discuss things further.

We decided we'd visit the URL her sister sent and the doors flew open for me. I followed link after link after link. I suddenly knew why you were told not to read any anti-mormon material. It made too much sense and was a comprehensive whole that explained very human motivations for different programs and aspects of the religion. It painted a much more believable picture and everything started clicking into place for me. It was a little frightening at first, the idea that the world wasn't really the way I'd been taught it was. That quickly gave way to an incredible sense of freedom to decide what was important to me and how to view the world.

This is the point where most of you, gentle readers, started to get to know me. I was still a little backwards at first but I was absorbing knowledge like a sponge and drank up every thread and post. I learned to discard information that was too extreme and worked on (and continue to work on) fine tuning my filter. Though some of the conclusions I came to were a little depressing (You mean love is just a chemical cocktail and not some magical force written about in books and songs?) I learned to appreciate the profound complexity of life and all it has to offer, without the supernatural buttresses on which I'd been depending.

It's funny, I recall some of my favorite posts on The Foyer were from SL Slacker and NaziNoMore talking about their different experiences now that they were outside of Mormonism. I wanted to hear about people's first drinks, dressing differently, watching porn, going to strip clubs, seeing movies they'd never seen, processing the world through these new eyes.

Our first drinking experience was on a trip to California we decided on last minute for a U2 concert. We were alone and decided we would order alcoholic drinks with lunch our first day there. I remember looking around to see if anyone was watching us sin and it makes me laugh now. I think we stopped short of ordering porn in our room that trip though. Baby steps.

At first we continued to attend church because 1) it was amusing to listen to lessons that we could pick apart with abandon and 2) because we were keeping up appearances for our friends and parents whom we depended on for childcare. It quickly became grating, though, and we would find any excuse to skip church. It came to a head in June and I decided I was going to tell our bishop the truth.

I walked in to his office our last Sunday and explained that our decision had nothing to do with the local leadership of our ward and that we enjoyed the friendships we'd made there. I let him know we'd discovered information that lead us to believe The Church was not the one true church any longer. He asked for specific things and I mentioned the multiple accounts of the first vision and the kinderhook plates. He asked if I had read the FAIR response to these things and I told him I had and found their explanations unsatisfactory. I stopped him at this point and let him know I liked him and didn't really want to debate points with him. He asked if he could stop by to share his testimony with us and I refused but let him know he could stop by as a friend.

I was a little shaken as I left the building but I felt incredibly empowered at the same time. This was something completely out of character for me up to this point, to stand up to an authority and make my wishes known regardless of their opinions of me or my decision.

We enjoyed a brief period where we no longer had to attend church and our parents were none the wiser. Because my parents lived in our stake, though, this quickly came to a close when they heard from ward members that they no longer saw our children in primary.

I decided to write them a letter explaining my position regarding the church and took it over for them to read. This was a little more gut wrenching than meeting with our bishop, as I see them on a regular basis and have to put up with their opinions on my choices. My dad and my sister took it fairly well, my mom flipped out as expected but only after discovering I wasn't wearing my garments. Nevermind the part about the church not being true.

For a few months following it was a daily battle with my mother for the souls of my daughters. Didn't I know what I was sentencing them to? It's fine if I mess up my own life but they need a strong foundation! She had a brief flare up when my daughters mentioned how much they love coffee, then again when they told her daddy drinks real beer, not root beer.

It seems like they've all finally come to accept my decision and though they don't like it they respect it. I wonder how they'll react when I cut all ties and remove my name as the final step in showing just how certain I am of my decision.

I'm debating how or if there's anything else to tell. Certainly I continued to grow and change beyond this point. I influenced a friend who was on the fence to leave himself, was introduced to a whole new group of great people, learned what it's like to have a real party, and experienced the end of my marriage which almost certainly wouldn't have happened had we not left the church.

The Healing Power of Breakup Songs

2007-06-25T22:59:00.000-06:00

Ah the therapeutic breakup song. Anger, frustration, hurt, and vindication put to music. There are a few songs I've latched on to throughout this experience and this one is the closest to my feelings now. It comes off a little harsher than I'd like ("nothing to salvage anyway" in particular) but I just love the line "So what you say, we give it up and walk away? We're overrated, anyway"

Imogen Heap: Loose Ends

Doing everything by halves,
You got a real flair with excuses
Meeting someone at the bar,
Where loose ends still have uses

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what you say, we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway

We're kissing without kissing,
And got it down to a fine art
Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky,
But we grew up and wide apart
Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time
How will the good times ever roll on?
Comparing photos then and now, now and then,
Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
Nothing to salvage anyway

Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
Want to, oh, Need to, oh

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
nothing to salvage, anyway

I think I've finally turned some sort of corner of acceptance and I feel like I'm moving on. Christy I love you and always will, even if it's not in the way I originally envisioned. Part of the path we walk together in life has separated and branched off but we will always be friends and parents together and for that I'm grateful.

Frustrated (or pissed as all fucking get out)

2007-06-18T23:29:00.000-06:00

This is the result of a series of disappointments, a frustrating conversation, and a lot of Apartment 26. It's not as good as I'd pictured it in my head but I see potential with a lot of practice and study. What matters is it was pretty damn therapeutic.

Keeping Busy

2007-06-15T00:39:00.000-06:00

The reason I've been a little scarce lately (you're saying "I didn't notice a difference") is I've been pushing myself to draw as much as possible. Below in "things I'd like to accomplish this year" I state I'd like to get published and I have an opportunity if I can complete a project before July 10th.

I'm writing and drawing concepts for this project with every bit of free time I've got. I did take a break to draw my character in a bi-weekly RPG game I play with some friends. Yes, I play a girl and her name is Larene. Once I finish the sketch I'm going to try painting it using my tablet and Painter to practice some techniques I've been learning.

Mutli-Tagged

2007-06-09T23:54:00.000-06:00

I guess these have piled up for long enough now, I'll get them all done in one fell swoop.

6 weird things/experiences (Thanks Lemon Blossom):

I have an unholy love of marzipan, that almond paste used on cakes or in German candy bars.
If I'm with a friend and they walk on the opposite side of a pole or post I have to walk back and follow them.
I like Mac and Cheese better the next day after it's been microwaved.
I don't really like ketchup on hamburgers, I prefer Miracle Whip and dijon mustard.
I don't like the word catsup.
I literally take years to complete these things.

Threes (Thanks Sideon)

Three Names You Go By: Jer, Jerome, Slutnam

Three Screen Names You Have: Lord Don, Jeremy (last name), Lord Putnaj

Three Things You Like About Yourself: My creative energy, my dashing good looks, my shamelessness.

Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: My lack of discipline, my lack of confidence, my shamelessness.

Three Parts of Your Heritage: Welsh, French, Dutch.

Three Things That Scare You: My emotions, my daughters growing up, neocons.

Three Everyday Essentials: Bottled water, Google, performance multi-vitamins.

Three Things You're Wearing Right Now: Argyle socks, leather wristband, my new Fly Londons.

Three Favorite Bands/Artists: Bernard Sumner (of Joy Division, New Order, and Electronic), Casey Spooner of Fischerspooner, Alphaville.

Three Favorite Songs at Present: The Bravery: Above and Below, Fischerspooner: Cloud, Iris: The Way I Live My Life.

Three Things You Want To Try And Do In The Next Twelve Months: Go skiing, get published, go to school.

Three Things You Want In A Relationship: Wild monkey sex, emotional availability, profound challenging intellect.

Two Truths And A Lie: I've never had a tooth filled in my entire life, I've never been to Idaho, I tasted alcohol before leaving the church.

Three PHYSICAL Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To You: Necks, lips, vaginas.

Three Things You Just Can't Do: I just can't pass by Express without spending at least $20, I just can't juggle more than 3 balls, I just can't speak in public.

Three Favorite Hobbies: Papercraft, art challenges, tabletop wargaming.

Three Things I Want To Do Really Bad Right Now: Have sex (with someone besides myself), draw well, smoke a clove cigarette in the crisp autumn air.

Three Careers You Have Considered: Comic book artist, Programmer, Accountant.

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation: Japan, Italy, India.

Three Kid's Name You Have Considered: Constantine, Athena, Mirithandir. (Ok, not really)

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die: Have a threesome, own my own business, learn to read kanji and hiragana.

Three People Who Have To Take This Quiz Now: I'll tag Christy three times. Just to make sure.

Quickly write 8 random facts/habits about myself (Thanks Amy):

Like Amy I have to clean out my ears in the morning, every morning.
I refuse to drink wine out of a box.
I used to be irrationally afraid of rollercoasters.
I won a surfboard from a radio show... in Utah... a surfboard.
My favorite mixed drinks are a gin and tonic and a blind russian.
I received an action figure from my favorite cartoon when I was a child by drawing and mailing in a character from the show.
Breakfast foods are my absolute favorite.
I remember the sound of getting stitches in the top of my head.

This took around 24 hours off and on. God I'm slow.

Finding Art Again

2007-06-04T00:04:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest impacts from my stay at the psych hospital was the re-kindling of my love for art. I'd draw every few months, something small, but I "never had time" to do it.

You never have time for things if you don't make time for them. I'm more than making time for it. It's my driving passion in life now and the only way to get better is to practice every day, with every free moment.

Expect lots of art. Lots.

I've found I can sketch right into my computer now rather than having to scan it in from a piece of paper. That's right, this isn't pencil. I'm trying to design a visually interesting concept for my avatar in Second Life. I don't like this much but it's a start.

Guess Who Got A New Toy?

2007-05-31T20:22:00.000-06:00

I was about to toss this but I figured it will be a good way to show my improvement over time. My very first piece created on my new tablet, at the behest of my two daughters.

I picked up an Wacom Intuos3 6x8 graphics tablet and an extra pen. It came with Painter Essentials 3 and I look forward to learning to paint again, this time without all the chemicals and mess.

Me, post art? Where is Jer and what have I done with him?

The New Dance

2007-05-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a hard post but it's been something that's been on my mind the past few days.

The hardest part about the divorce for me lately is the fact that I'm not as involved in Christy's life anymore. I'll go a week without seeing her. Going from seeing someone nearly every single day for nine years to not seeing them for weeks at a time is hard for me. Sideon tells me this is the perfect time to focus on me but I'm having a hard time switching gears.

I know we'll continue to be involved with each other if for no other reason than our daughters. We have a lot in common and will likely continue to see movies, concerts, and shows together.

That isn't much consolation right now as I try to figure out our new dance. I find myself emotionally defaulting back to the way I've been for nine years, thinking and feeling the way I have in the past. If I force myself to sit in it and fight my way through the hard emotions I can start to see some light.

Some days I really miss my friend, though.

The Power of "Try"

2007-05-26T16:57:00.000-06:00

Before I get to the main topic for this post I have to talk about an amazing man, a good friend I got to meet recently while he had a layover in Utah. Most of you come here from Christy's blog so you know we had a chance to have lunch with Sideon. Like Eric, Sideon has been a huge support through our separation.

Every day, and usually multiple times a day, he asks how I'm doing. He's a sounding board for my feelings and helps me get to the root of my hangups and push past them. The most important thing I've learned from him, though, is to forgive myself through all of this. I don't need to beat myself up for the wild mood swings, they're a part of this huge shift in my life.

I also got to eat his pickle and let me tell you, it was damn good!

So back to the word "try."

I met with my gay ex-mo therapist yesterday and he pointed out a trend as I was explaining what had happened in the couple weeks since our last appointment. He said I kept stating that I was "trying" to move on, "trying" to manage my feelings, "trying" to exercise more.

I've never realized the impact of verbiage in my internal dialog. He said if I would start saying "I want to" do something or "I am" doing something rather than "I'm trying" to do or "I need" to do something it puts me in an action frame of mind. Just stating it in those terms I could feel a change internally away from procrastination to finding a way to accomplish the stated goal.

So I AM going to blog on a regular basis rather than Try to blog. I AM going to draw more rather than Try to draw more.

Let's see if the therapist is worth his copay.

Amy Echo!

2007-05-17T21:25:00.000-06:00

I've become a bit of a concert slut lately hitting one show after another.

The latest was this last Tuesday at the same spot as the Shiny Toy Guns show. I was there to see The Start though I'd heard some Front Line Assembly as well and I wasn't disappointed by either. There's something about seeing bands in an intimate setting like that, especially if it's a high energy act. I'm definitely spoiled forever against stadium shows.

After The Start's set I went to the t-shirt stand and Amy was there. I had her sign my shirt and she asked my name and gave me a hug. So gorgeous.

Aside from the music I also watched a DVD on American Indian DNA vs. The Book of Mormon. It was mostly information I'd already read but hearing Southerton and the others pound the point home makes me wonder how anyone can still believe Indians are descendants of Lamanites.

My therapist also suggested I watch What The Bleep Do We Know to go along with the red dot method he taught last week. Some of the quantum science seems pretty out there to me but I got quite a bit of insight about auto-emotional response and retraining neural pathways. I've seen a tiny bit of this in myself and I hope to continue re-wiring aspects of myself to be more to my liking.

A Stab At Reality

2007-05-11T16:26:00.001-06:00

For the past month I've been seeing a therapist that was referred by my social worker at the psychiatric hospital and she couldn't have picked a better fit. He's an energetic 50-year-old ex-mormon that seems to understand a little how I experience life. He's asked me questions and helped me figure out my own answers to some difficult questions in this time of transition in my life.

Today he taught me an awareness exercise that forces you to live in the present when your mind seems to be stuck in an infinite loop. He gave me red dot stickers and told me to place them in locations I frequently find myself thinking and hitting these loops. When I see one of these dots I'm supposed to pause and go through a series of steps. Eventually it becomes an automatic habit and you can lose the dots. The steps are:

What am I feeling or experiencing right now?
What is the story I'm telling myself about this feeling or experience?
Is it real or true in this moment?
Realize the elements of truth and fiction in the story and accept them.
How do I manage the truths?

My frequent problem has been getting caught up in expectations about my life and becoming disappointed when life doesn't meet those expectations. I keep running a story in my head of how I'd like things to go and get frustrated when reality doesn't match the story. My mind continues to run this story in a loop until my emotions escalate and I lose control.

This series of steps gets your mind out of the story loop and shifts it to the present, where reality is actually happening. The future doesn't exist and the past is colored and shaped by your own mind, the only thing that's real is right this second and that's something you can manage to some degree.

I notice a change in my anxiety level and frustration when I use this technique. Rather than trying to shape the future by force of will I accept things the way they are at this moment and work on options to affect the changes that are within my abilities.

He also let me borrow the DVD DNA vs. The Book of Mormon and suggested I watch What The Bleep!

If A Ten Ton Truck Kills The Both of Us

2007-05-08T11:21:00.000-06:00

There have been a rash of split-ups or close calls among close friends and acquaintances in the past 6 months and I'm beginning to wonder how any marriage makes it out of the church alive. If you're not splitting because one of you still believes, then you're splitting because you both made it out and one of you realized you were married for the wrong reasons upon deep introspection.

I don't think anyone should stay together for the sake of the kids though. Life is too short to spend it miserable and unhappy. If you got married at the typical mormon age of 18 to 21 there's a lot of missed opportunities for growth and I don't think you know enough at such a young age to make a decision like who you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe I'm just projecting though, I certainly knew very little at that age.

For those that make it through all this in spite of everything and are still in love with each other, I envy you.

But I'm realizing more and more that there's not a right way at life. Things are what they are and it's mostly unfulfilled expectations that cause pain for me. If I live focused in the present and deal with problems as they come I feel much more confident and healthy. If I grasp, iron-fisted, to these ideals I held up as my future then I end up angry and hurt and not just a little crazy.

I'm working on staying aware of the present and not letting thoughts of the future run away too much. The future doesn't exist yet, why spend so much emotional energy on something that's all in my head? Usually I fail spectacularly at this but at least I'm conscious of it.

So I'm going to see Morrissey tonight. It's not at a small venue so I'm sure to be let down after being spoiled last week. But I loved The Smiths the very first time I heard them as well as some of Morrissey's later solo stuff so I know I'll enjoy it.

Shiny Toy Guns

2007-05-01T17:01:00.000-06:00

Looking back through the last few months of posts I realize this place has turned into navel-gazing central. I thought I'd break up the heaviness by mentioning the fact that I'm seeing Shiny Toy Guns tomorrow at a smaller club in Salt Lake called In The Venue.

I loved these guys from the moment I heard Le Disko on the radio. I downloaded the full album, We Are Pilots, and ended up liking 80% of it so I went out and bought it.

They have a lot of synth in their music which I'm a complete whore for. Everybody drools over Carah Charnow (ok she's a little hot) and mentions her vocals but I love Chad Petree's voice even more, especially on Starts With One.

Their videos are pretty interesting as well, they seem to like exploding spheres. And hot lesbian action:

I've never been to a show at a club before. I'm pretty excited to be so close to the band for once.

The Battle of Logic Versus Emotion

2007-04-29T07:55:00.000-06:00

Why can't you switch off emotion when it interferes with your ability to do what you logically know is the appropriate action? It's like this nagging younger sibling that won't go away no matter how much you berate or try to reason with it. Sometimes it grows to overwhelm you at the most inopportune moments.

I guess it's like nearly anything else in life where you need to find a balance between two extremes. I just hate the runaway train feeling I get when my emotions get the better of me.

Driven

2007-04-25T19:42:00.000-06:00

So much for tomorrow right?

I seem to have lost my notes from my experience and skills learned, thus the delay as I search for them. I promise to post more on this and other salient topics as soon as I find the notes.

Since Christy posted about it I'll say I spent some time in the padded joint as well. I also saw some scary individuals that made me question the necessity of my presence there. Once I moved to the Adult ward where restrictions were loosened I also met some amazing people and learned invaluable lessons.

One thing I'll always equate with the experience is Atlas Shrugged. In the more restricted ward there was less to do and so every free moment was spent reading about Hank Rearden and Dagny Taggart and their struggles against the corrupt and lazy. I realize how stark and simplistic a picture Rand paints about humanity but there's enough truth that it resonated with me.

Throughout most of my life I've been like the unwashed masses in the book who decry "Who is John Galt?" when things became difficult. I shrugged my shoulders and let someone else figure it out. Reading about the vision and drive of these characters, especially in the context of being in a psychiatric ward, helped solidify in my mind that I will never return to the way I was. I will push and push and push with everything in me to keep from becoming stagnant like that again.

The people I admire most in life are those who are driven. They know what they want to do with their lives and they set out to achieve it, no matter what stands in their way. They refuse to take no for an answer and they find a way around, over, or through to get to their goal. The characters in the book are the embodiment of this characteristic.

So I'm learning to retrain my mind to stop giving up so easily, to be more mindful when it's wandering from tasks I need to accomplish, and to work toward goals I've set for myself. It's been hard work and I still slip up but I know if I keep at it, it will become easier to stay in that mindset.

Fuck John Galt.

The Healing Image

2007-04-16T18:34:00.000-06:00

I keep thinking as soon as things settle down I'll post more often and then they don't so I don't.

One of the concepts I learned in my therapy experience was the idea of The Healing Image. The basic idea is that you have this picture in your head of the person you'd like to become. This person has the character traits you wish you had, has accomplished the goals you've set for yourself, handles conflict the way you would prefer to, is basically living the life you would live if there were no personal barriers.

You then take apart this idealized version of you. You figure out what parts are different from who you currently are and you pick one to work on. You preferably do this in some way you can keep track of, most likely through a journal of some sort. I figure I can track this sort of thing on my blog and shuffle any really personal stuff off to a journal. At the very least it should give me more to post about.

The vision I see of me has graduated from college with a computer science degree and is working as a programmer. He still enjoys art, though, and sculpts, draws, paints and messes around with computer graphics. He's working on his own side business either developing web pages or computer games of some sort as a creative outlet that earns some money on the side or even just for fun. He's somewhat politically active, fighting for causes and individuals in which he believes. He's not a pushover, unafraid of making his opinion known while remaining tactful and gracious to those around him.

He's also smoking hot. Wait... there's no goals to set there.

Uh he's humble too.

So my first trait I'd like to work on is becoming assertive without pushing past that into the less-socially-acceptable aggressive. I'd like to be able to make my needs and wants known instead of deferring to whomever has the loudest or most charasmatic voice. Part of gaining this assertive trait is recognizing that I have valid needs and wants. It's easy to lose yourself if you feel everyone else is of more worth than you are.

Tomorrow I'll post more about one of the methods I learned in my goal to become more assertive.

The Rest Of The Story

2007-04-10T20:38:00.000-06:00

Most of you already read the news on Christy's blog, knew about it already anyway, or are wondering what I'm talking about right now.

We're separated.

That word doesn't have the same power it used to have to break me into a sobbing wreck. The overwhelming rejection, of panic at the future I had in my mind now crumbling to dust, the overpowering feelings of being mentally and emotionally stuck in a place where I'll never get over a person who doesn't feel the same way about me that I do them.

This is my platform to explain my side of the picture and I intend to be respectful to Christy while also trying to sort through what's been the most traumatic event in my life.

I vowed I would never be someone who was divorced, that I would do whatever it took to make things work no matter what. Those plans are well and good but I discovered if even one of you decides they don't want to make it work it doesn't make a difference how much the other wants it. It was a unilateral decision on her part to separate and I was extremely frustrated that I was left so powerless by that decision. I fought it with everything in me and ended up in an acute therapy situation because I just couldn't accept what was happening.

I will post more about what I discovered in this therapy as well as techniques I learned. They feel like something everyone could use.

It's true we married way too young before either of us knew who we were or what we wanted. Stir in some mormon guilt over pre-marital sex and the year long repentance process so we could "enjoy" the "blessings" of the temple and you've got a recipe for a fucking mess.

Though these have certainly been the hardest months of my life I've learned so much about myself, relationships, Christy, self-awareness, my daughters, and the world in general in the process. We're rapidly becoming good friends again and we still want to see and talk to all of you. What she said about me goes for her as well, she's an amazing person and I'm happy I still get to have such a close connection to her for the rest of my life. I love her and want to see her happy.

Don't worry about me though, I'm doing more than fine nowadays.

More Definition

2007-03-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Where does the fucking time go?

Do you ever look back at something you wrote in the past and wonder who that person was? I've done that twice within the past month with varying degrees of horror or bemusement.

Even my last post seems a little foreign to the mindset I've been in. I still question a lot of my automatic responses lately but I'm getting a better idea of what's "me" and "not me." Feeling ok in one's skin is extremely satisfying and I've had glimpses of it.

A bad weekend combined with a therapy appointment this past week seem to have combined to make things start clicking in my head, a little like when I was first leaving the church. There's still more emotion involved this time that I'm fighting against but I've learned to start accepting that as part of the experience and not beat myself up over it.

I still have bad days but the good days have been pretty amazing lately.

Defining Oneself

2007-02-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

I know I promised more light-hearted fare on here but the wheels of my mind wouldn't stop spinning on the drive home from a friends house tonight and I had to get this out while it was still fresh.

I've had a hard time lately adjusting to new realities in my life. I had this picture in my mind of how my life would go, who I was, and how I fit in this picture. It wasn't so narrowly defined that it couldn't allow for some flexibility, as my exit from mormonism has proven. But this picture has drastically changed and I find myself even more adrift than when I lost my faith.

When I discovered the truths behind the church I had a brief period of uncertainty and unease that lasted perhaps a month. I was absorbing as much as I possibly could and it helped ease my transition and I came to grips fairly quickly. I think I had an underlying suspicion all along that reality wasn't as it was defined by the church all along, though, and had little difficulty adjusting.

Recent events are harder for me to move past as I had no suspicion or sign that they would come about. I defined myself strictly by my previous reality and when it was yanked from under me I panicked.

I have no idea who I am.

I have some idea of the types of things I like, opinions on world politics, philosophy and economic policies but I feel like the core of who I am is missing.

Why don't I have any confidence in my abilities in many aspects of my life? Why don't I feel like I can speak authoritatively on any topic? Why do I regularly defer to others when a decision needs to be made? Why is it easier for me to sit a listen to something I disagree with and nod my head rather than say what I really feel? Where's my sense of self?

There's all this information to help you transition out of the church but where can you turn when you need information on yourself? Where do you draw the material from to define who "you" are?

I live!

2007-02-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe you're all still here egging me on. Most people would have let this joint die with a stifled yawn after a month of no posts.

I only barely deserve this sort of devotion from you all and that's just because I'm dead sexy.

A month or so ago someone told me I have a great bunch of friends who were concerned about me and wanted to support me and I ignored that person. I was hurt and I was nuts. Really. Since becoming non-nuts I've realized the truth in this statement and I'm incredibly humbled by the lengths others are willing to go for my well-being.

This post is for all of you that have been there for me in one way or another in the past month. Every e-mail, phone call, comment, hug, kiss, text message, gift of 60 day subscription to crack-like game service, or offer of support has been immeasurable.

Thank you all so much and I hope I get the chance to repay you in some way.

Because I promised it

2007-01-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm making a post before the clock strikes 12:00. It may not be the best post but dammit I'm keeping my promise.

I've picked back up a habit worse than smoking. I bought Burning Crusade and I'm playing World of Warcraft again. With everything that's going on at work it's been a nice way to relax at night and unwind.

Here's to hoping it doesn't become all consuming. I seemed to balance it with everything else last time so I'm not too worried.

For the non game-nerds among you who read the blog my mom asked tonight what the hardest alcohol I drink is. I told her isopropyl. She didn't think that was funny.

You Can't Take The Sky From Me

2007-01-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

The other night a friend and I watched one of the best episodes of the best show ever produced. It was "Out of Gas", an episode of Firefly where Mal sends everyone else off the ship in shuttles to survive a bit longer while he attempts to fix the engine and get life support working again.

The episode is scenes of Mal injured and moving through the ship cut with flashbacks of the crew as they were first meeting and getting together. It culminates with him near death as he finally fixes the ship and passes out just before he can call the shuttles back. He then wakes up in the infirmary to the crew admitting they came back against his orders without hearing the call, a decision that saved his life.

You get sucked into Mal's lonely fight to fix the ship among the backstory and happier times shown in the flashbacks, and his eventual survival due to concerned friends.

Whedon is an amazing writer and does an incredible job at making interesting characters that are entertaining to watch interact with one another. Even if you don't like Sci-Fi OR Westerns you should still give it a shot.

"Brandon Flowers!"

2007-01-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

There was this guy that always showed up at parties, mostly kept to himself, and always seemed kind of sad. I was generally with the drunk happy people and didn't get to know him very well.

Last year a bunch of us got together at Yuba Lake and we were sitting around the fire when Shiree brought up the song, "Doin' the butt". We were all incredulous that such a song existed but this guy had the audacity to find a way to download it out there in the middle of nowhere on his Treo and play it for us. Score one for quiet guy!

I'm not sure how or when but we became familiar enough with one another that he continually shouted out to me "Brandon Flowers!" at the halloween party this past October. Which makes sense because I was dressed as Brandon Flowers and I AM Mr. Brightside. He cracked me up that night every time he said it and I've gotten to know him even more since then.

He's been through some rough shit and come out the other side a stronger person for it.
I don't recognize him as the same sad quiet guy from before. He's the one dispensing advice and helping others now, though he's still smart enough to know when he needs help himself. If we could only figure out a way to get him to understand why people find him interesting he'd be set.

This is thanks to Eric for being there right when I needed him.

Fuck You Karma

2007-01-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

Go choke on a dick.