Internet, I Have A Problem

Dear Internet,

I know you give so much to me. You give me LOLCats and Pokerface mashups, Fail Blog and Christian Bale Techno. But I need to ask you for something, something that may not be in your normal area of expertise, with your look-at-the-latest-bit-of-funny modus operandi. I know you have your deep areas as well, so I have hope.

Internet, I'm a failure when it comes to seeing things through to the end. Half-finished pieces of artwork, code, game ideas, electronic paper dolls, world-building documents, even saved game files lie littering my drive like rusting chassis in a post apocalyptic ghost town. My mind is perpetually wandering for the latest fun thing to latch onto and I throw myself haphazardly into whatever sounds most fun at the time.

I fear I may end up like my father, with the inborn talent and inclination towards art but without the drive to see it through. My drawings and paintings will end up something I show my children as something I did once upon a time, reminder of a possible future that now seems lost.

Some days I wonder if improving my art is even something I want to pursue, or if it's something I fooled myself into believing I was actually good at. The last few times I've put pencil to paper I came nowhere close to what I intended to draw, and I had even seemed to regress from my previous ability.

All these ideas swim in my head. Ideas that push back at me when I try to focus on them, mocking me that I once thought them in the realm of my possibilities.

Internet, how do I break through that pushback before I'm once again lost again to my creative nomadism? How do I settle in one place long enough to build the house I dream of building? How do I gain the discipline to become the artist I am in my dreams?

One Impressed KUER Listener

Sometime in the past year I've become an NPR fiend. Instead of listening to local alternative stations or my iPod, I'm keeping up with world politics and news on All Things Considered or The World, depending on what time I'm commuting that week.

Previous to my discovery of the wonder that is Public Radio I had the misfortune of thinking KSL was my only choice for news. KSL runs the Sean Hannity show and oh the months I listened to that idiot, thinking his skewed and dishonest version of the daily news was the only option I had. If I ever hear another one of his listeners call him a "Great American"... *shudder*

But life is better now.

On to the real reason I'm making this post. Back in mid-September Doug Fabrizio ran a piece called Nuture Shock about misconceptions about parenthood and discipline, lying, etc. During one of the bumpers he had this awesome synthpop sounding piece of music. Being the huge slave I am to synthpop I HAD to find out what he used.

I hopped over to the KUER website and looked for a forum discussing the Radio West pieces but didn't find any. I found a contact us link and fired off an e-mail listing the name of the piece and the exact time stamp it started, hoping that would help whomever received my random e-mail. A month passed and I figured they were probably too busy actually running a radio show to respond to a silly question like mine.

Well this afternoon Elaine Clark, senior producer for Radio West e-mails me back apologizing that it took so long to respond. She even went as far to check on the site they pulled it from, the audio section of Newgrounds (which I didn't even know existed, I thought it was all games) and found it wasn't there anymore. She gave me the name of the artists and the title of the song and I was quickly able to find their homepage and the song.

Thank you Elaine, for going above and beyond for a listener. I love public radio.

Here's You Make Me by Blarsa.

To My Friends on Utah's Capitol Hill

(After the defeat of ALL the Common Ground Initiative bills I had some questions for those that were instrumental in their failure.  This is the email sent to the hearing committee, my representative Chris Buttars, Gayle Ruzicka, The Utah Eagle Forum mailing list, and Mike Waddoups)

In your rush to proclaim The Common Ground Initiative a trojan horse for gay marriage did you once stop to think about the living, breathing, feeling people you're disparaging.  In your cursory dismissal during the hearing committees did you ever stop to listen to the gay men and women that showed up to tell you their stories?  Do they register as people worthy of empathy by you?  Do they register as fellow citizens of this state?

Or are they an amorphous nameless faceless group to you?  "Common knowledge" and "tradition" already tell you where to stand on the issue and further introspection and inquiry isn't required?

Even LDS church spokesmen have come out and said they support equal rights for the gay community yet you, our elected officials, are unwilling to even grant them protection from being fired or evicted for the simple fact that they're gay.  It doesn't even matter if you agree that being gay is a choice or not.  Religion is a federally protected class and that is most definitely a lifestyle choice.

Thirty years from now do you want to look back on newspaper clippings with your names listed as those who were on the wrong side of history.  Not so long ago the Utah Legislature was promoting miscegenation and segregation, quoting scripture and church leadership as reasons why we should support those ideas.  We now say Brigham Young and Ezra Taft Benson were speaking as men when they proudly declared racism from the church pulpit.  In thirty more years the church may say Thomas Monson was only speaking as a man when he encouraged members to give time and money to standing in the way of gay marriage.

When Chris Buttars empahtically declares that gay marriage will destroy this country, he's no more prophetic than you or me.  How does he know it will destroy this country?  Did God witness to him the truth of that claim?  What if the rest of us didn't receive that confirmation?  What if some of us went to vote on the Utah marriage amendment four years ago and felt sick when choosing to secure "traditional marriage"?

All I'm asking is for you to consider people.  Not tradition, not scripture, not authority.  Consider the men, women, and families that come to tell you their stories, that live in your districts, that want the same things you all want.  To build a life, raise kids, and grow old with the person they love.

Early Thanksgiving

I had one of those moments on the drive home tonight after dropping off my girls with Christy. That brief glimpse of connectedness to everything.

It came at the end cap of a wonderful week celebrating my daughters birthday. Earlier this week, on the actual date of their birth, I was invited to join my in-laws in their celebration. I got to see a new nephew for the first time and catch up with my sister-in-law and her husband. I received a nice compliment from my father-in-law and chatted with him for a bit as well. The girls had such a great time; they were absolutely beaming by the end of the night and it was probably their favorite birthday so far.

On Friday I went out with Red, her nieces, and my sister to see the new teen vampire movie. (I don't want a million search hits by invoking the name) It had both its good and bad parts but it was still entertaining and it was fun to get away from the kids for a bit and sit in a darkened theater together. I spent the rest of the weekend with all my girls, reading, playing Rock Band 2, board games, and dancing to DDR-worthy pop music.

Finally tonight we held a second birthday celebration at my parents house. It's so much fun to sit back and see how much my daughters love my sister, how much they love Red's daughter, and to see my parents enjoy these new lives coming into theirs. We all had a blast playing with the girls new toys. (as they're spoiled, utterly, again)

After I dropped Red and her daughter off it was time to take the girls back to Christy. I stopped to chat with her a bit about our weekend. She's so excited for my relationship with Red and how much she loves our girls. I gave her a hug goodbye and as I was driving home the past week just washed over me. The complete feeling of joy because of all the wonderful people I know, all the people who make me a better me, just because my life has been touched by them.

If the religious want to know what atheists have to live for I say we live for the same thing. The wonderful family and friends we make along the journey that is our lives.

The Tyranny of the Majority

The historic win of Barack Obama and the joy and hope following election day were tainted for me by the passage of Proposition 8 in California as well as anti-gay-rights bills in other states. One step forward for our nation in electing an african-american as president and two steps back in denying the civil rights of a minority group.

You can believe whatever you want about homosexuals, you can even say what you want. (though I'll personally respond by calling you an ignorant uninformed asshole if you say they choose the lifestyle or they're immoral) But the second you start pushing for legislation of your imaginary sky friend's theocratic state we've got a problem.


I'm tired of hearing the excuse that the people voted and we just need to accept the result. (we're a Republic, not a Democracy; see the title of this blog post to understand why) I'm tired of hearing that we're stepping on the rights of the religious. (nobody is making you change your hateful scriptures or saying you can't vomit your bigoted screeds from your pulpit) I'm tired of hearing the argument that we'll be marrying pets, farm animals, or inanimate objects. (because animals can give consent and lamps can sign legal documents, right?)


God damn RIGHT you're the target of protests, you took away the rights of fellow citizens because it offended the sensibilities of your oh-so-warm-and-loving-god to allow them to marry, just like every heterosexual consenting adult in the nation. You're not the target of intolerance, you ARE intolerance personified. You've put your ancient books and ancient men who murmur in the name of god above your fellow citizen. You forego compassion for blind obedience.

Until you learn to love your neighbors, brothers, sisters, children, I and millions like me will continue to vocally express our disappointment in your choices and point you to a love beyond the conditional love of a petty god.

Join me this Saturday, November 15th for a nationwide protest of Proposition 8 starting 1:30 EDT (11:30 MDT) Visit http://jointheimpact.com/ for more information.

Yes We Can!

Forgive me my earnest title but I can't help it. For some reason the full depth of what Obama being elected actually meant didn't hit me until I saw it on TV last night. Seeing prominent public figures like Jessie Jackson and Oprah Winfrey sitting amongst a crowd demographically all over the map, all overcome with emotion, finally caused it to click for me and I was continually choked up for the rest of the night.

I was witnessing history.

For the first time since 9/11 I felt solidarity with my country. But this time it was for an overwhelmingly hopeful and positive reason. We have overcome a shadow that has been cast on our country for too long. Obama's acceptance speech set the perfect tone. It was victory but a solemn one. There is work to do and he expects as much from us as we expect from him.

Today I am proud to call myself an American. We, as people of this nation, have made the right decision in electing Barack Obama as our next president for many reasons.

Election Eve 2008

I've been fairly silent on my blog regarding political topics though I've certainly been vocal other places like Facebook. On the eve of one of the most important (aren't they all?) elections of my voting adult life I feel like I should post something.

About midway through the day today I was able to quantify why Barack Obama will get my vote over John McCain. To me McCain represents the arrogant sureness of falsely assuming you have all the answers to life's big questions. He will act quickly and assuredly and ultimately, likely, incorrectly, just like George W. Bush did before him. There's no humility, just a sense of entitlement, of righteousness. The feeling of superiority is amply demonstrated in the way both use fear-mongering tactics to try to cow the public. If you don't do exactly as they say bad things will happen.

Barack Obama represents trust and hope. Trust that he can speak to the public as adults and we will understand, humbly asking for our trust in him to guide our nation, trust that we as citizens of this nation can work together to pull out of our current predicaments and progress and prosper in the years to come. Hope that our nation has repented of it's past sins and is ready to celebrate the nomination of the first black president.


It takes a certain amount of hubris to believe you can lead a nation, and Barack's squeaky clean image has some political smudges on it, but he still gives hope for what is possible. McCain still reeks of the ethnocentrism America should have left behind long ago.